How we became a family of 4: A Short Story Part 2

Letting go and trusting God is a lot easier said than done.  For a few months after we decided not to do the really expensive fertility treatment I just thought that God would heal me and I would get pregnant naturally.  When that didn't happen right away I decided to take matters into my own hands again and ask my OB/GYN for Clomid.  It's the cheapest fertility drug and the easiest to take.  It didn't work and it made me a little crazy so I quit after just a few months.  Okay, NOW I had done everything I could physically do.  I was starting to figure out what I should have known all along... this baby thing really was completely out of my control.

Tripp had worked really hard all summer long so I decided to surprise him and take him to the beach for the weekend.  I would like to say that during this time we had this great spiritual revelation and we knew God was calling us to adopt, but it was more like we just started talking about it and by the time we were driving home we decided that this was what we should do.  I really admire people who adopt because they have a heart for adoption and not just because they have no other options.  We have several friends that just have a passion for adoption.  We aren't that selfless.  Yes, we had always talked about adopting after we had biological children but more than likely it would have been just talk.  Adopting is not easy and raising children isn't either!  We could have easily just talked about it forever and not ever actually done anything.  God has definitely given us a heart for adoption now and we would gladly adopt another child if God calls us to do that, but it took some dying to our own desires before we were willing to have children this way.  Looking back I can see how God had been gently nudging us in this direction all along.  I remember people bringing it up in the past and me wanting to bite their heads off because I didn't want to talk about it.  I wasn't ready to give up on what I thought I wanted.  Now my heart was open to however the Lord wanted to use us.  I was finally broken and humbled before Him... a willing clump of clay to be molded into what He had already predestined me to be.  I started thinking about how easy it had always been to love other people's children.  God gave me a tender heart that loves so easily and that's hard sometimes, but maybe this was the reason He created me this way.

We didn't really rush into anything but kind of just chewed on it for a few weeks and talked to a few close friends about it. We tried to make sure this was really something God was leading us into and not just something we decided to do because we were tired of waiting on Him.  We had a contact name for someone at a local Christian adoption agency so I made an appointment to go and talk to her.  We had been doing some research on different agencies and this one was the most recommended and they were supposed to be the cheapest because they have so much community support.  Cheapest or not, adoption is not cheap with any agency.  I was so discouraged after talking with her and looking at the cost of it all.  I thought, "Now we are back to the reason we didn't want to do the fertility drugs.  Money!  We don't have it.  There is no way we can do this.  It's not fair that only rich people get to have babies!".  Okay... so maybe I was being a little dramatic!  The wait was also discouraging to me.  I had waited long enough already!  I wanted my baby and I wanted it now!  There were options, of course, as far as the money was concerned.  The classes didn't start for a few months so we had time to start saving some money, we could do fundraisers or ask family to help.  Plus, it was already going to be a little cheaper for us because we weren't limited to a healthy, white baby.  We were willing to take any race or baby with minor special needs.  And if this is what God had called us to wouldn't He provide?  It was still so hard for me to imagine it happening.  I was really discouraged.

The option of adopting from DFCS (Division of Family and Children Services - Foster Care) was brought up several times.  My boss mentioned it before we were even talking about adoption, my friend was encouraging me in that direction because her mom had just adopted from DFCS and then Tripp's grandparents started talking to their neighbor who worked for DFCS and were convinced this was the way we should go.  We just weren't sure about it.  It seemed like it was mainly just fostering and no guarantee you would get to keep the baby and that definitely wasn't for us.  And yet other people were telling us you definitely could adopt a newborn and it was all free.  At that point though, we were still determined to go through the Christian adoption agency... somehow.  We didn't know how we were going to pay for it all, but we were going to try it.  We turned in our application, started saving our money and were just waiting until the adoption classes started in February 2009.  But by January, we started to think more about adopting from DFCS.  I don't know if it was because so many people were constantly bringing it up or if God just kept bringing it to our minds, but we were starting to feel like He was leading us in that direction.  We called just in time to get signed up for their class starting at the end of the month.

The first day of class I left in tears.  They tried to make it very clear that they were not an adoption agency and that we should not expect to bring home a newborn and that's really all I wanted.  Despite the discouragement I was feeling, we were still determined to give it a try.  We persevered through the classes and when it was time to fill out our application we decided we would foster-to-adopt up to two children up to the age of two.  We were told that they would just put our profile aside and not even consider us if we were just limited to a baby or that we could be waiting for years.  It seemed like it was taking forever to find out if we were approved.  I was under the impression that classes would end and we would get a call two weeks later.  Our friends threw us an adoption shower a few weeks after we completed our classes and a few people gave us some baby furniture so we had our nursery ready and all we needed was that baby!  I was so impatient but I'm not a pushy person so we just waited and waited and waited for someone to tell us something.  We didn't even know if we had been approved.  Finally I got up the nerve to call and was told that it takes at least three months to complete your profile and get the paperwork sent to Atlanta for approval.  Three months!  Well, it was more like five months.  At that point we were ready to give up on DFCS and so I called to see if we could get a copy of our home study.  That would save us about $1200 with the adoption agency we were originally thinking about using.  When she called me back I was afraid she was going to give me a hard time about getting a copy of our home study, but instead she gave us good news!  We were approved and they were sharing our profile with another county.  That sounded promising!  She said they would call us in a few days to come in and meet our case worker.  But when they called me back one or two days later it was even better than we thought!  She said, "Did she tell you why we gave your profile to the other county?"  No she didn't.  "Well they would like to interview you guys for possibly adopting a two year old and a 5 month old.  Would you guys be interested?"  Would we ever!

It was a whole week before our meeting with the adoption supervisor from the other county.  It felt like the longest week ever!  When the day of our meeting came we were nervous wrecks.  Neither one of us could eat.  I remember that meeting so clearly.  As soon as the lady we were supposed to meet walked in the door she said to me, "Oh my goodness!  The older one looks just like you!".  Ten points for us!  Everyone was friendly and they quickly put us at ease asking us about our family and telling us about the girls.  They didn't have a picture of Michelle, but they showed us a picture of Anna.  She was beautiful!  Tripp told me when we went to dinner later that as soon as he saw Anna's picture he knew that was our baby.  It was not at all like Tripp to say something like that.  He is way too practical and pessimistic!  Instead, I was the one being cautious.  I was hopeful, but I had been disappointed so many times over the last 5 years and I was trying to guard my heart.  We were set to go to Texas two days after our meeting but we told them we would cancel and stay if we needed to.  They said it would be at least a week before they made a decision so we should go and have fun.  Have fun?  How could we possibly relax until we knew for sure if we were going to be parents or not?  The next day I got a call from the supervisor in our county.  This made me really nervous since we weren't supposed to hear anything for at least a week.  I was so afraid to call her back.  She sounded like it was urgent and wanted me to call her on her cell phone, which made me even more nervous.  I was at work and we were all just about to leave for the day when I checked my messages on my cell phone.  I told everyone who had called and they all stopped, so eager to hear what she had to say.  Dialing her number was like taking a pregnancy test.  It was the exact same feeling that I got every time I took one.  I was so nervous, my heart was racing, my hands were clammy and shaking and I was so afraid of what the answer would be.  She started saying something about the decision process and that she didn't want us to leave for our vacation without knowing anything, but all I wanted to hear was the real reason she called!  Were we getting our answer?  Was I going to be disappointed, yet again?  When I heard her say, "They definitely want you guys to be the adoptive parents of these girls.", I lost it!  I just started bawling!  She wanted to know if I was okay!  I could barely get a "yes, I'm okay" out through my sobs.  All of my friends at work were screaming, jumping up and down, hugging me and crying tears of joy.  I immediately called Tripp to tell him the good news.  I was still sobbing, of course, and he said, "I knew it!  I just knew this was it!".  Again, amazing that he wasn't freaking out about the fact that he was about to be the father of two girls!  It was so exciting to have this great news before we went on vacation so that we could share it with my Texas friends and family face to face!

We got to meet the girls a few weeks after we got back from Texas.  I couldn't believe how tiny Anna was and I was so nervous that Michelle wouldn't take to us because she was so attached to her foster parents.  They wanted us to have a long transition process for Michelle's sake, mainly, since she was so attached to her foster parents and Anna's foster brother was very attached to her as well.  The county that the girls lived in is only about 30 minutes from us so that made it easy for us to visit them a lot during the week and after doing that for a few weeks they got to come stay weekends with us, too.  It was also a difficult time.  The girls were still visiting with their birth parents for a few hours every two weeks and we were worried that visiting with two sets of parents might be confusing Michelle.  Not to mention that her birth parents and case workers were calling both girls by a different name than we were!  We were physically exhausted from working and then driving back and forth to see the girls and emotionally exhausted because we were getting attached to them and still didn't know if we were going to get to keep them or not.  It was two months before the parents' rights were finally terminated and the girls were able to move in with us.  I think it was good timing because by that time we were all bonding.  Anna was almost 8 months and Michelle was 2 1/2.  Neither one of them really had a hard time with the move.  Anna struggled a little that first week, but Michelle didn't blink an eye!  It was like we had always been their parents.  I think Tripp and I took more time to adjust than the girls did!

It's been a little over a year now and as of November 1, 2010 Michelle and Anna are officially ours.  It's a wonderful feeling!  Six years ago we never would have imagined ourselves where we are today.  God has blessed us above and beyond what we asked for.  Even to the point that I get to stay home with them!  I hoped and prayed for that but never thought it would have been possible.  I'm so thankful that we were able to provide these girls with a loving home and give them opportunities they may have never had like preschool and ballet.  But most of all that in our home they will hear of the love and grace of Jesus Christ!

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  My heart was sick because the one thing I had hoped for my whole life was out of my reach, but now my longing has been fulfilled!  Jeremiah 31:13 says, "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."  He gave me comfort and joy even through my sorrow!  He taught me how to rejoice during the trials because the testing of my faith "produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3,4.  He has also shown me that Christians suffer just like the rest of the world does.  We are not exempt!  But when we suffer, not if but when, He will comfort us.  2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."  He comforts us so that we can comfort others.  He gives us what we need to show love to one another.  He gives us what we need to endure the trials and sufferings so that we can in turn share that with someone else.  What an amazing God we serve!  As hard as this journey has been... and I do still have the desire to have a child from my womb... I would not trade any of it for things to have gone my way.  God's way was truly the best way.  I can't imagine not having Michelle and Anna and I can't imagine not having this hope inside of me to pass on to someone else who might be suffering.  My dream of becoming a mother has been given to me as well as my dream of serving Him with my life.  And if I never experience the joy of having a child grow inside of me I will still rejoice.  In my lifetime I will face many trials, but I know that when I come out on the other side of them I will have a testimony to share.  This is my testimony.  I share it, not just to be a nice story to read with a happy ending, but to share the hope that is inside of me.