So, I am ashamed that this is my first (real) post of 2012. It's actually the first post in many, many months. I have been so busy with BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), running Michelle to ballet and soccer, chasing Anna (who is running right towards the terrible 3's), getting ready to be a foster parent... whew! No wonder I haven't had time to write!
I started this blog at first as sort of a way to journal; just to get my thoughts out of my head and send them out into the void. Then, I realized that I have family all over the US (the world, actually) that wanted updates on our family and this would be a great way to share with them what was going on. It turned out, instead, to be a way to sort of flesh out my spiritual growth. I realized after writing a few months that fleshing out my spiritual growth for the world to see is not that easy. I got kind of embarrassed. Spiritual growth (from now on I will call it sanctification) means that you are constantly changing and that what you say today may seem so silly tomorrow. I sat down one day and decided to write about all the things that God was teaching me and how much I had changed over the last 10 years or so. Thankfully I accidentally hit the wrong key and somehow erased the entire thing right before the autosave. I was frustrated and had to walk away from the computer and stew over it for a few days. That's when I realized that some of the things that I was saying might alienate people that I loved, and not necessarily in a godly way. It was a good thing that didn't get published! After that I was kind of blog shy. I love to write, but I just didn't want to anymore. Then I got busy, like I mentioned at the beginning.
So, like I said in my most recent "hey, I'm still here" post, I went to the Created for Care retreat and felt kind of ashamed that I hadn't been keeping up with my blog and felt like I needed to come home and update. But... I came home in the middle of God doing something to challenge me. I was so ready to write about how I was frustrated about this and frustrated about that and how dare people treat me like that, etc. I was feeling pretty good about myself and how much I had grown and all the things I was "doing for the Lord". Then comes Tuesday (my BSF Leadership day) and the new lesson. We were now in 1 Corinthians. Paul is calling out the Corinthians for their spiritual pride and God called me out on mine. It hit me for the first time how I sounded. "How dare people treat me like an outcast!" "I'm doing just fine! I don't need their pity!" Wow! I had no idea how bad I sounded. I was embarrassed that I had actually said all this stuff out loud to my friend, Susan. Ugh! And He didn't stop there. A week later I am having to humbly call a friend and apologize for acting like a fool.
Pride stinks. Nobody likes to be around a prideful person. But, I've been avoiding dealing with my pride issue for years! I was beginning to think that maybe God was just going to let me slide on this one! I really did not want to deal with it. It's one of those soft spots that is just to sensitive to deal with and too hard to overcome. But, here I am, right in the middle of sanctification, and God wants it all. I think I forgot for a moment that sanctification never ends. That there will always be something that needs to be purged out. It sucks sometimes, but Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:14 "I am not writing this to shame you, but to warn you, as my dear children." I am God's child and "the Lord Disciplines those He loves" (Proverbs 3:12 and Hebrews 12:6). The verse that I have been holding onto for the last year is this... Philippians 1:6b "... he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am nowhere near done with my battle with pride, but I believe that God is more gracious to me than I am to myself. I pray that I will begin to see the needs and concerns of other people more important than what I feel like I deserve.
