Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Trouble With Life

Today I just feel like writing about the sadness I have been feeling lately due to my infertility.


Now, I know what some of you are going to say... "But remember how blessed you are to have two beautiful and perfectly healthy little girls!".  This struggle of mine does not mean that I don't realize how blessed I am.  I would not trade my girls for even one chance to be pregnant.  I am thankful for how God ordained things in our lives.  But, I still feel a sense of loss.  I still feel like I am missing out on something wonderful.  I still have that dream that I have had since I was a little girl to feel a baby growing in my womb.  And I don't think it will ever go away.  You also have to remember that there are lots of women that suffer from Secondary Infertility.  They have one child and for some reason are not able to conceive again.  Contrary to what some believe, this kind of infertility is not any easier on a woman.  I would say this could be close to what I am going through.

I wrote this last week.  I go through periods like this where I just feel so sad that we can't seem to get pregnant.  This feeling for me comes and goes since we have gotten the girls.  It's not as constant as it was before we adopted, but it's still there at times.  I guess I didn't finish the post because, even though I'm pretty open and honest with my struggles, it still makes me feel very vulnerable to put all of my feelings out there for the world to see.  Especially since my feelings change like Michelle changes clothes!  But, I feel like, as hard as it is to be so vulnerable sometimes, maybe someone else is struggling and needs to know that they are not alone.

I don't know if I will ever NOT want to have a baby.  I'm afraid that this sorrow will hover over me my entire life.  It doesn't seem fair.  I wish God would just completely change my heart and make me not care if I got pregnant or not.  To not be so obsessed with babies, pregnancy, home births and all that stuff.  I wish it wasn't so hard to go to church and see a pregnant women every time I turn around.  Thankfully, I don't struggle as bad as some women do.  I guess it's because I am so obsessed with the whole pregnancy thing that in almost 7 years of infertility I have never felt like I couldn't rejoice with someone that gets pregnant and I have never avoided a baby shower.  I love celebrating new life.  But, I still wish it was me that was being congratulated and my belly that was being measured with a roll of toilet paper.

I will end with this...
I know that this world is fallen.  That bad things happen to good people and that we are not guaranteed to live healthy, wealthy and prosperous lives here on this earth.  If we were, then what would we have to look forward to?  Someone posted a quote ( I think it's a line from a song) on facebook and it has stuck with me ever since I saw it.  It said, "Sometimes my greatest disappointments and the hurting of this life are a remider of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy."  The trouble with life is that "in this life you will have trouble" (John 16:33).  Whether it's suffering for the cause of Christ, because of your faith or because of sickness, natural disaster, poverty, infertility... whatever.  Noone is above suffering of one kind or another.  I know that no matter how much I want to get pregnant, it may never happen and I may never be completely at peace with that.  And that's okay.  It's okay to be sad and to feel frustrated at times.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

To Adopt or Support?

This is the big question on my mind lately.  Even though Tripp and I have only just recently finalized the adoption of Michelle and Anna, we have been their parents for about a year-and-a-half.  I figured, like most people told me over and over, that we would get pregnant as soon as we adopted.  Which was fine with me since Anna was already 8 months old when they moved in with us.  But, it didn't happen.  I was suprised that this actually discouraged me.  I mean... I should just be grateful that God blessed us with these two beautiful little girls and not complain about not getting to be pregnant or not having a little boy!  So I gave it to Him.  I felt like the Lord was telling me that this was part of my ministry to my childless friends.  I could relate to them like most could not.  I had been blessed with children and yet I still understood and felt the pain that they were feeling.
Then something happened...
It started with the adoptive mom's retreat.  I joked before going about coming home convinced that we needed to adopt from Africa.  That almost happened!  I came home with this huge burden for children in Uganda and a desire to change our lifestyle and help this ministry (Sixty Feet) that helped imprisoned children in Uganda.  I didn't feel like we were supposed to adopt from Uganda, or anywhere at all, really.  But, I was excited about encouraging other people to adopt and helping those that had already decided to do so.  I still had a strong desire to get pregnant and even felt like the Lord told me to ask Him for this, and I did.  I began praying that I would get pregnant.  Tripp even started talking about wanting a boy.  Michelle was asking when she was going to get a baby brother.  So, we all kind of started praying for a baby.  Not furvently, but just sort of like "Oh and by the way, Lord, can we have a baby?".  This went on for maybe 2 months.  Then I started to think that maybe two was enough.  I realized how blessed we have been and how much more we could do for Michelle and Anna if it were just the two of them.  I started to feel content.  I actually stopped wanting to get pregnant.  Now, I have been trying to get pregnant for a loooong time.  So I know all the tricks that your mind can play and how subconsiously you start to think that maybe if I stop wanting it so badly that will be what God wanted me to do and He will finally let me get pregnant, or my body will relax and I will finally be able to get pregnant.  I wondered if that's all it was.  But, it didn't really feel like that.  It felt more like complete contentment.  I didn't know how long it would last, if it was temporary relief or if this was really a change of heart, but it felt good.
Then the cupcake sale...
Michelle wanted to see pictures of the kids in Uganda that we were helping so we went to their website (www.sixtyfeet.org) and started watching the videos.  This was the first time I sat down to watch these videos since seeing the movie at the adoptive mom's retreat.  My heart began to stir and I started to think about adoption.  At first I was thinking international adoption, probably Uganda.  Then I started seeing all of these adoption placement videos on Facebook with couples adopting domesticly and I started thinking about how much I would love to adopt a newborn.  The passion that I had for the whole  pregnancy experience of having a home birth and breastfeeding my child was changing.  Instead, I was falling in love with adoption.  I kept all of this to myself because, even though Tripp wouldn't mind if we got pregnant or if someone just randomly asked us to adopt a baby, I knew that he didn't want to go looking for another kid!  I just began to pray about what was in my heart.  But then, wonder of all wonders, Tripp actually brings up the subject of possibly fostering or adopting!  Maybe this was God!
So, here we are.  We are interested in adopting again.  Is this God or is this us?  The idea for Tripp was that we get too caught up in being compfortable and having stuff that we want and maybe it's time to let go of some of that.  That's a great thing, but are we supposed to adopt?  I have this passionate love for adoption, but is it for us to do or for us to support others on their adoption journey?  I still feel somewhat content with having only my two girls, but at the same time I would love to have a new baby.
I don't really have any revelation on this.  I'm afraid this blog post is going to end unanswered.
I will say this... God's word is clear about how He wants us to set the oppressed free, feed the hungry (Isaiah 58:6-7) and to care for the widows and the orphans (JAMES 1:27)...

I wrote this is April.  I don't know why I never published it.  Shortly after I wrote this we actually started talking about adopting from India.  I read this article about how, even with enouragement and assistance from the government for people who have girls, there is still a huge problem of people prefering to have boys and, therefore, abandoning or aborting girl babies.  So, Tripp and I started talking about what we should do... do we pursue India?... do we pursue adopting a newborn domestically?... or do we just try to support others who feel called to adopt?  Tripp decided that we should work on getting our house in order (we have a remodeling project that we need to finish to make room for another child) and wait one year before we start pursuing another adoption.  So that's where we have been for the last few months.  The next post (that I also started but never completed) will tell you where I am right now with the whole thing.   So, I guess I should say...

To be continued...