Bible Study Fellowship

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.  Isaiah 40:1  I had to remind myself recently that God did not say, "Be comfortable, be comfortable my people...".

I went on a leadership retreat for this Bible study that I am in called Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) last weekend.  I started going to BSF last January, right after the girls moved in with us.  Tripp's grandmother had been trying to get me to go since we moved to Macon six years ago.  I went to an Intro-Class, but that's as far as I got.  All I had heard about BSF was how strict and structured they were and if you missed one class you were out!  Well, being the uncommitted free spirit that I am, I thought, "That is definitely not for me!".  But, when the girls moved in and I was home with them every day ALL DAY LONG, I thought, "Maybe I'll just give it a try".  They were studying John at the time and I absolutely LOVED it!  I loved it enough that I decided to come back the next year to study Isaiah.  To my surprise, the teaching leader called me a few months before Isaiah started to tell me that someone had recommended me for leadership.  I was flattered and terrified at the same time.  Tripp and I prayed about it and both felt like I should do it, so I accepted.  Did you ever think about when the Lord came to Gideon while he was hiding from the Midianites and called him a "Mighty Warrior" that Gideon didn't argue with that title right away?  He argued the fact that he said "the Lord is with you" but not the title he was given.  It wasn't until the Lord told him what was required of him that he began to tell Him how he was the least of his family and his family was the smallest.  That was my reaction exactly when I started leadership last fall.  At first I was like, "Mighty Warrior (aka Leader)... sure... I can see that about myself.", which quickly turned into (once I realized what God was really asking me to do), "Wait a minute, Lord... I'm no leader!  This is way too hard.  I'm a follower, not a leader.  Who am I to shepherd anyone?" I was so far out of my comfort zone that it brought me to tears at times.  God is faithful, though, He gave me the encouragement that I needed and began to show me that He was stretching me for His glory.  But, just like Gideon, sometimes I need the Lord to walk through it with me and give me a few signs.  I started thinking that I was doing a terrible job and that, even if I was asked back next year, I couldn't do it.  It was too hard.  And by "hard" I don't mean that BSF is hard or studying God's word is hard.  Being pushed out of my comfort zone is hard!  The things that I thought would get easier as the year went on didn't.  I still felt like I was out of my comfort zone in so many ways and it was making me tired.  The Created for Care retreat that I went on the weekend before the BSF one was so awesome.  I wrote on my last blog post about how the Lord set me free from the bondage I had been living under and began to show me that He wanted to free me from myself.  That, of course, is a process that we all have to go through in life.  If we, as Christians, continue to live for ourselves after we give our lives to Christ, then we miss the reason we are still here and not immediately taken up to heaven.  We are called to live our lives as an offering to Him.  To work out our salvation with fear and trembling.  To be His witnesses.

So, I went on this BSF retreat encouraged from the last retreat, but still tired and thinking that I wasn't sure I could do this again next year.  Wouldn't you know that God threw me out of my comfort zone again!  I was fairly comfortable going on this retreat with the other leaders that I was just barely getting to know, but then I found out when I got there that I was sitting in a different dining room than most of the other ladies from my group!  My friend and I had also signed up to be ushers, so a lot of the weekend I was sitting with people I didn't know.  (if you read my last blog post then you know the same thing happened at the last retreat)  God used that to show me that no matter where I am I am His, He is with me and will give me the strength I need to do what He is calling me to.  I was encouraged by the people I met from other classes and the speakers that talked about how they came to BSF feeling very similar to the way I did.  These people were doing what God had called them to do even when it wasn't comfortable or easy.  Some of them have even given up the comforts of life in our country to start BSF classes in other countries.  That was convicting.  Here I am... a stay at home mom with, not 10, but 2 children and yet I complain that I don't have enough time or that I am too stressed and I need rest.  I don't know where this idea that God doesn't want us to be too stressed or won't call us to give until it hurts came from.  It definitely didn't come from His Word!  I realized that I was complaining because I was uncomfortable, but I really have never had to give of myself to the point that it hurt.  If something gets too hard I quit.  This is a very sobering realization!  Looking back at my life I can see that I either avoided things because they seemed too hard or I quit when something got too hard.  No wonder I feel like I am going from one hardship to another.  God is still having to teach me how to persevere.  All my life I have been looking forward to being comfortable and happy, but I don't want to work hard for that peace.  I want God to just give it to me.  I wanted to make enough money to have a nice home, car, to have nice clothes and nice things for my kids but college was too hard so I quit.  I wanted to sing, write music and play guitar but it was too hard to learn how to do those things so I never have.  I wanted God to supernaturally give those abilities to me!  I talk a lot about suffering because of my struggle with my parents' divorce and my battle with infertility and how I have seen God's purpose in it or God using a time of suffering for His good purpose.  But, this is the first time I have stopped to think about daily laying down my life (literally or my desires and needs) for the sake of the gospel.  I'm not sure what this means for me besides just persevering through this time that God is stretching me and molding me into His image and not growing weary because I had to get ready for the next day and didn't get to veg out in front of the TV.  I feel like God is calling us as a family to change the way we live, spend money and what we pursue.  I'm a little nervous that He might be calling us a little more out of our comfort zone than we think we can bear.  But, I will trust in the Lord and lean on the promises that He gives through His word.  

Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. 

and, of course, I have to throw in a few verses from Isaiah...

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary, and increases power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on with wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

p.s. If you are interested in an awesome Bible study you should check out BSF!  www.bsfinternational.org

also, if you want to read about a woman that has truly given up everything for the sake of the gospel check out this blog www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

Created for Care Retreat

A few months ago a friend of mine sent a message on facebook about this adoptive mom's retreat that she was going to in February to those of us from church that have adopted children, foster children or are in the process of adopting.  I thought it would be fun and, even though I was already signed up to go on another retreat the weekend after that one, I decided to go.  I had no expectations.  I didn't really even think about it much and actually, I didn't even know where we were going!  So, when we got there on Friday I was just kind of along for the ride.  At first I thought I was going to be the odd-man-out because there was A LOT of talk about international adoptions and probably 75% of the women there had children adopted internationally or were in the process of adopting internationally.  I wouldn't really call myself a shy person, but it does take me a little bit of time to warm up in new situations and new people.  On top of feeling kind of left out for not having adopted internationally and being overwhelmed with a new place with new people, they split all of us (my friends from church that I was there with) up and put us at different tables according to what country we had adopted from for the first session that night.  I was TOTALLY out of my comfort zone and on the verge of tears at times.  So much for a relaxing weekend!  But, that night while the first speaker was telling her story of how she came to adopt 8 children from Russia the Lord spoke to me.  She was telling about when her son died and the places of her heart that died along with him and how the Lord healed her and brought her back to life.  As she was speaking I felt the Lord say, "I am going to do the same for you, Christy."  My heart still leaps when I think about it!  I had been praying and praying for God to heal my heart.  When my parents divorced almost 8 years ago I felt like a part of me died with the death of that marriage.  I have been told to "get over it", "it will just take time", "you should be happy that your parents are happy" among other good and bad advice.  I've been to counseling and I've had wonderful people in my life to help me walk through it.  I have come a long way over the years, but I still felt like there was this wall between me and God that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not tear down.  I knew I heard the Lord speak to me and so I expected something to happen right then... it didn't.  I kind of felt bad that I was expecting something so self-focused.  Here I was in a place where people were seeking healing for their adopted children and I wanted it for myself!  But, I knew what the Lord had told me and I felt like my children needed me to be free as much as I did.  I went to bed that night exhausted from the long day, but I couldn't sleep.  I was too excited and expectant!  The next day was a long day full of sessions on parenting adopted children.  I was so incredibly blessed by all of the sessions.  I learned so much about how to handle things like, talking to the girls about their adoption, talking to other people about the girls' adoption story and just basic how to be a godly mom.  It was really insightful.  At the same time, I was so nervous and excited about what God was going to do and when He was going to do it!  The last part of the day was dinner and our last main session of the day.  At the end we had a time of worship and all of the sudden there He was.  In an instant my heart broke and the waterworks came.  I felt like I was supposed to ask someone to pray for me, but being the independent woman that I am I couldn't.  So I prayed, "Lord, you know I'm not going to ask someone so will you please send someone to pray for me?".  As I sat down, my roommate, who was on her knees praying, said, "So do you want to pray?".  As I got down on my knees and she started to pray over me my heart started to melt.  God had shown her what to pray because she prayed EXACTLY what I needed in that moment.  As she prayed the bondage that I had been under was falling off.  The chains were broken and the wall was coming down.  I have never felt God's presence so strong or ever felt such freedom in my life that I can remember.  It was amazing.  I am free! I am free! I am free!  I know that this is just the beginning and I have a long way to go, but praise be to God I have never felt so free!  I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time.  He set me free from more than just the pain and bitterness from divorce, and He began to set me free from myself!  From the fear of rejection that I have lived with my entire life and the fear of being a failure.  What an awesome God we serve!  He took the little that I had and performed a miracle!  He began a good work in me and I know that He will complete it! (Philippians 1:6)