First of all, the whole time I was pregnant with Audrey we pretty much assumed she would be our last. We were still a little freaked out about having 4 kids and weren't sure how or IF we would survive! But, as soon as Audrey was born we were just so in awe of our little blessing and how amazing her birth was. I loved being pregnant, loved the relationships I had built with so many new people through the whole process and I actually loved giving birth! We decided right away that we wanted to have just one more. We didn't expect to get pregnant as soon as we did, but we planned on not waiting too long. By the time Audrey was about 8 months old I started dreaming of having a little boy. I just knew we would get pregnant again and it would be a boy. We really wanted Timothy to have a brother and were kind of curious about what a boy we made would look like!
Almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started worrying about everything. What would people think? Audrey was only 10 months old and this would be our 5th kid! And then I worried that something would go wrong and we would lose the baby. Got through the first 12 weeks and started to relax a little. Then I started worrying that something would go wrong and I wouldn't be able to have a home birth again. I pretty much worried about one thing or another the entire pregnancy. As soon as I would relax, something else would cause me to start worrying again. I'm usually more laid back and not one to worry about much, so I tried to figure out what my problem was. Was it mommy intuition? Was it just unfounded fears? Was it pride because I was "the home birth girl" and if something went wrong then I was wrong for choosing that path? I really tried not to worry. I had my friends praying for me and my midwife reassuring me. I hate that I wasted so much time worrying, but how do you make yourself stop?
So, skip to the end and, of course, everything turned out perfect. Not just ok. But PERFECT. I mean, it's like God heard every one of my fears and answered every prayer. Right down to the very last detail. The biggest thing to me was to get to push him out in the birth pool and pick him up out of the water myself .
My friend Susan took pictures for me and every time I look at them I am reminded that God is so good. Not that He wouldn't have been good if things had not gone my way. Because He is ALWAYS good. These photos will be a reminder to me that I can cast all of my anxieties on Him because He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7). And that He really does give good gifts to His children.
So, here are my pictures. Jude actually came on his due date. I woke up at 2:48 am exactly with my first contraction and he was born at 10:56 am. I could not imagine an easier labor than I had with Audrey and was hoping for a much shorter pushing time! (almost 2 hours of pushing with her) My water didn't break until right at the end which made labor much easier than I imagined and he was born in the water after about 3 pushes! And I got to pick him up out of the water myself. It was such a beautiful experience!