Letting go and trusting God is a lot easier said than done. For a few months after we decided not to do the really expensive fertility treatment I just thought that God would heal me and I would get pregnant naturally. When that didn't happen right away I decided to take matters into my own hands again and ask my OB/GYN for Clomid. It's the cheapest fertility drug and the easiest to take. It didn't work and it made me a little crazy so I quit after just a few months. Okay, NOW I had done everything I could physically do. I was starting to figure out what I should have known all along... this baby thing really was completely out of my control.
Tripp had worked really hard all summer long so I decided to surprise him and take him to the beach for the weekend. I would like to say that during this time we had this great spiritual revelation and we knew God was calling us to adopt, but it was more like we just started talking about it and by the time we were driving home we decided that this was what we should do. I really admire people who adopt because they have a heart for adoption and not just because they have no other options. We have several friends that just have a passion for adoption. We aren't that selfless. Yes, we had always talked about adopting after we had biological children but more than likely it would have been just talk. Adopting is not easy and raising children isn't either! We could have easily just talked about it forever and not ever actually done anything. God has definitely given us a heart for adoption now and we would gladly adopt another child if God calls us to do that, but it took some dying to our own desires before we were willing to have children this way. Looking back I can see how God had been gently nudging us in this direction all along. I remember people bringing it up in the past and me wanting to bite their heads off because I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't ready to give up on what I thought I wanted. Now my heart was open to however the Lord wanted to use us. I was finally broken and humbled before Him... a willing clump of clay to be molded into what He had already predestined me to be. I started thinking about how easy it had always been to love other people's children. God gave me a tender heart that loves so easily and that's hard sometimes, but maybe this was the reason He created me this way.
We didn't really rush into anything but kind of just chewed on it for a few weeks and talked to a few close friends about it. We tried to make sure this was really something God was leading us into and not just something we decided to do because we were tired of waiting on Him. We had a contact name for someone at a local Christian adoption agency so I made an appointment to go and talk to her. We had been doing some research on different agencies and this one was the most recommended and they were supposed to be the cheapest because they have so much community support. Cheapest or not, adoption is not cheap with any agency. I was so discouraged after talking with her and looking at the cost of it all. I thought, "Now we are back to the reason we didn't want to do the fertility drugs. Money! We don't have it. There is no way we can do this. It's not fair that only rich people get to have babies!". Okay... so maybe I was being a little dramatic! The wait was also discouraging to me. I had waited long enough already! I wanted my baby and I wanted it now! There were options, of course, as far as the money was concerned. The classes didn't start for a few months so we had time to start saving some money, we could do fundraisers or ask family to help. Plus, it was already going to be a little cheaper for us because we weren't limited to a healthy, white baby. We were willing to take any race or baby with minor special needs. And if this is what God had called us to wouldn't He provide? It was still so hard for me to imagine it happening. I was really discouraged.
The option of adopting from DFCS (Division of Family and Children Services - Foster Care) was brought up several times. My boss mentioned it before we were even talking about adoption, my friend was encouraging me in that direction because her mom had just adopted from DFCS and then Tripp's grandparents started talking to their neighbor who worked for DFCS and were convinced this was the way we should go. We just weren't sure about it. It seemed like it was mainly just fostering and no guarantee you would get to keep the baby and that definitely wasn't for us. And yet other people were telling us you definitely could adopt a newborn and it was all free. At that point though, we were still determined to go through the Christian adoption agency... somehow. We didn't know how we were going to pay for it all, but we were going to try it. We turned in our application, started saving our money and were just waiting until the adoption classes started in February 2009. But by January, we started to think more about adopting from DFCS. I don't know if it was because so many people were constantly bringing it up or if God just kept bringing it to our minds, but we were starting to feel like He was leading us in that direction. We called just in time to get signed up for their class starting at the end of the month.
The first day of class I left in tears. They tried to make it very clear that they were not an adoption agency and that we should not expect to bring home a newborn and that's really all I wanted. Despite the discouragement I was feeling, we were still determined to give it a try. We persevered through the classes and when it was time to fill out our application we decided we would foster-to-adopt up to two children up to the age of two. We were told that they would just put our profile aside and not even consider us if we were just limited to a baby or that we could be waiting for years. It seemed like it was taking forever to find out if we were approved. I was under the impression that classes would end and we would get a call two weeks later. Our friends threw us an adoption shower a few weeks after we completed our classes and a few people gave us some baby furniture so we had our nursery ready and all we needed was that baby! I was so impatient but I'm not a pushy person so we just waited and waited and waited for someone to tell us something. We didn't even know if we had been approved. Finally I got up the nerve to call and was told that it takes at least three months to complete your profile and get the paperwork sent to Atlanta for approval. Three months! Well, it was more like five months. At that point we were ready to give up on DFCS and so I called to see if we could get a copy of our home study. That would save us about $1200 with the adoption agency we were originally thinking about using. When she called me back I was afraid she was going to give me a hard time about getting a copy of our home study, but instead she gave us good news! We were approved and they were sharing our profile with another county. That sounded promising! She said they would call us in a few days to come in and meet our case worker. But when they called me back one or two days later it was even better than we thought! She said, "Did she tell you why we gave your profile to the other county?" No she didn't. "Well they would like to interview you guys for possibly adopting a two year old and a 5 month old. Would you guys be interested?" Would we ever!
It was a whole week before our meeting with the adoption supervisor from the other county. It felt like the longest week ever! When the day of our meeting came we were nervous wrecks. Neither one of us could eat. I remember that meeting so clearly. As soon as the lady we were supposed to meet walked in the door she said to me, "Oh my goodness! The older one looks just like you!". Ten points for us! Everyone was friendly and they quickly put us at ease asking us about our family and telling us about the girls. They didn't have a picture of Michelle, but they showed us a picture of Anna. She was beautiful! Tripp told me when we went to dinner later that as soon as he saw Anna's picture he knew that was our baby. It was not at all like Tripp to say something like that. He is way too practical and pessimistic! Instead, I was the one being cautious. I was hopeful, but I had been disappointed so many times over the last 5 years and I was trying to guard my heart. We were set to go to Texas two days after our meeting but we told them we would cancel and stay if we needed to. They said it would be at least a week before they made a decision so we should go and have fun. Have fun? How could we possibly relax until we knew for sure if we were going to be parents or not? The next day I got a call from the supervisor in our county. This made me really nervous since we weren't supposed to hear anything for at least a week. I was so afraid to call her back. She sounded like it was urgent and wanted me to call her on her cell phone, which made me even more nervous. I was at work and we were all just about to leave for the day when I checked my messages on my cell phone. I told everyone who had called and they all stopped, so eager to hear what she had to say. Dialing her number was like taking a pregnancy test. It was the exact same feeling that I got every time I took one. I was so nervous, my heart was racing, my hands were clammy and shaking and I was so afraid of what the answer would be. She started saying something about the decision process and that she didn't want us to leave for our vacation without knowing anything, but all I wanted to hear was the real reason she called! Were we getting our answer? Was I going to be disappointed, yet again? When I heard her say, "They definitely want you guys to be the adoptive parents of these girls.", I lost it! I just started bawling! She wanted to know if I was okay! I could barely get a "yes, I'm okay" out through my sobs. All of my friends at work were screaming, jumping up and down, hugging me and crying tears of joy. I immediately called Tripp to tell him the good news. I was still sobbing, of course, and he said, "I knew it! I just knew this was it!". Again, amazing that he wasn't freaking out about the fact that he was about to be the father of two girls! It was so exciting to have this great news before we went on vacation so that we could share it with my Texas friends and family face to face!
We got to meet the girls a few weeks after we got back from Texas. I couldn't believe how tiny Anna was and I was so nervous that Michelle wouldn't take to us because she was so attached to her foster parents. They wanted us to have a long transition process for Michelle's sake, mainly, since she was so attached to her foster parents and Anna's foster brother was very attached to her as well. The county that the girls lived in is only about 30 minutes from us so that made it easy for us to visit them a lot during the week and after doing that for a few weeks they got to come stay weekends with us, too. It was also a difficult time. The girls were still visiting with their birth parents for a few hours every two weeks and we were worried that visiting with two sets of parents might be confusing Michelle. Not to mention that her birth parents and case workers were calling both girls by a different name than we were! We were physically exhausted from working and then driving back and forth to see the girls and emotionally exhausted because we were getting attached to them and still didn't know if we were going to get to keep them or not. It was two months before the parents' rights were finally terminated and the girls were able to move in with us. I think it was good timing because by that time we were all bonding. Anna was almost 8 months and Michelle was 2 1/2. Neither one of them really had a hard time with the move. Anna struggled a little that first week, but Michelle didn't blink an eye! It was like we had always been their parents. I think Tripp and I took more time to adjust than the girls did!
It's been a little over a year now and as of November 1, 2010 Michelle and Anna are officially ours. It's a wonderful feeling! Six years ago we never would have imagined ourselves where we are today. God has blessed us above and beyond what we asked for. Even to the point that I get to stay home with them! I hoped and prayed for that but never thought it would have been possible. I'm so thankful that we were able to provide these girls with a loving home and give them opportunities they may have never had like preschool and ballet. But most of all that in our home they will hear of the love and grace of Jesus Christ!
Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." My heart was sick because the one thing I had hoped for my whole life was out of my reach, but now my longing has been fulfilled! Jeremiah 31:13 says, "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." He gave me comfort and joy even through my sorrow! He taught me how to rejoice during the trials because the testing of my faith "produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3,4. He has also shown me that Christians suffer just like the rest of the world does. We are not exempt! But when we suffer, not if but when, He will comfort us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." He comforts us so that we can comfort others. He gives us what we need to show love to one another. He gives us what we need to endure the trials and sufferings so that we can in turn share that with someone else. What an amazing God we serve! As hard as this journey has been... and I do still have the desire to have a child from my womb... I would not trade any of it for things to have gone my way. God's way was truly the best way. I can't imagine not having Michelle and Anna and I can't imagine not having this hope inside of me to pass on to someone else who might be suffering. My dream of becoming a mother has been given to me as well as my dream of serving Him with my life. And if I never experience the joy of having a child grow inside of me I will still rejoice. In my lifetime I will face many trials, but I know that when I come out on the other side of them I will have a testimony to share. This is my testimony. I share it, not just to be a nice story to read with a happy ending, but to share the hope that is inside of me.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
How we became a family of 4: A Short Story Part 1
I've had a few people say that they would like to hear our story of how we came to adopt Michelle and Anna. I've been mulling over ideas of how I could/should share this and how much I wanted to say about it over the last few months. So... I decided to write a short story on my blog. A short story because I believe that you have to know how it all began to fully understand why I give God the glory for our little blessings. This blog because this story is a part of my spiritual growth journey, plus this way everyone that wants to hear our story will have it and those that don't (or have already heard it 1000 times) can just ignore this post and move on. :)
You have to know that I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. My mom used to tell me about when my brother was born, I was 2 1/2, how I would try to pick him up or change his diaper or "mommy" him in some other way. The first time I remember holding a baby I was about 5 or 6 years old. My step-cousin, Margo, was born and I got to hold her. I remember sitting on the couch at our house when they put that tiny little baby girl in my arms and I was overjoyed! I could have sat there forever. And that's how I felt every time I held a baby from that day on. I remember the name of every single baby that has captured my heart. When I played as a child I played with baby dolls or house where I was the mommy. I don't know when I learned about being pregnant but I always pretended that I had a baby in my tummy. I would stuff my shirt with whatever I could find and show off my "baby bump". As I grew up the desire just grew stronger. I used to daydream about someone leaving a baby on our doorstep or what would it be like to have a baby of my own. When I was in high school there were always women having babies at our church and I just couldn't hear enough about the whole pregnancy and birthing experience and breastfeeding. I couldn't wait until I turned 18, got married and started having babies! (yes, that is really what I thought would happen!) I used to have dreams about having a baby and dreams about breastfeeding a baby.
There was a part of me that feared infertility. I knew that my aunt suffered and yet believed that God would give her children. My mom would tell me about how the doctors told her that she couldn't and shouldn't have children, but she would put scriptures on her wall and keep trusting that God would give her the desire of her heart. And He did... He gave her two boys and a girl. That didn't give me any comfort, though. I was afraid that I would be told I could not have children but that I wouldn't have as much faith as my aunt did and I would go childless. I would try to push these thoughts and fears out of my head and yet they would always creep in. I don't know where the fear came from. Was it prophetic? Was it just because I wanted it so badly? Did I think that God wouldn't give me the desire of my heart? That I didn't deserve to be happy? I still wonder sometimes why I was so afraid this would happen to me. I also wonder why I never thought, "I could always adopt.". I have always thought that I would adopt after I had biological children, but I never thought about adopting instead of having biological children. It was like I wanted what I wanted how I wanted it and that was it!
When Tripp and I got married we decided that we would wait five years to have our first child. I don't know why we said five years. I guess we thought that was a good amount of time for it to be just the two of us. We had been married just a little over a year when we started thinking about trying to have a baby. The problem at that time was that I was starting to get really sick because of my Graves Disease which I had let go untreated for about 3 years. I had to have treatment and the treatment we decided on meant that we had to wait at least 6 months to get pregnant and they really recommended 1 year. Again, the fear of infertility popped in my head and I hounded the doctors about whether or not my treatment would keep me from being able to get pregnant. I was assured it would not so we went ahead with the treatment, but I had to get back on birth control (it's funny now that I ever bothered with that stuff in the first place!). So when the 6 months was up I got off birth control and we started trying to get pregnant. September 2004 the painful part of our journey began...
Shortly after we started trying to get pregnant I got some exciting news. One of my best friends was pregnant with her first baby. I cried. I don't know why but it broke my heart. I was so excited for her and it wasn't like we had been trying very long but I was still so jealous that it wasn't me! I remember driving, sobbing and praying, "Lord why does this hurt so bad? You know much I love her and that I am so excited for her! So why do I feel this way?". It didn't take me long to get excited about my friend having a baby though, and I couldn't get to Texas fast enough to see her when she was born.
We wanted to be close to family when we did finally have children so we figured this was the time to move to Georgia, where Tripp's family was. We kind of kept our plans to have a baby to ourselves and didn't really talk to many people about it for that first year. I remember other friends getting pregnant and feeling sad, again, that it wasn't me but other than that we really didn't worry about it too much. I felt like it would happen in God's timing, even though I really wanted God's timing to be my timing which was now! It wasn't until we moved into our house and the 2 year mark was creeping up on us that it really started to wear on me. I started reading books and looking online, talking to friends about tips on how to naturally "make" by body get pregnant. I would try to remind myself that God was in control and it just wasn't His timing. I cried when some people got pregnant and rejoiced with others. My doctor was encouraging me to get tested but I wasn't ready. I was afraid that they would find something and I would hear the dreaded words that I had feared for years, "There's nothing we can do. You will never get pregnant.". It was amazing, once we started sharing that we were struggling to get pregnant, how many people we knew had also struggled. God surrounded us with people that had been there, knew our pain and were able to comfort us in a way that other people couldn't. Through the encouragement of the people around us and books that I had been given to read, we decided to heed my doctor's advice and get tested.
The process of infertility testing is a very emotional process. You decide to get tested and you are nervous. They don't find anything and you are relieved and yet frustrated. Since my OB/GYN didn't find anything wrong the only thing left to do was send me to a Fertility Endocrinologist. Through blood tests and ultrasounds everything looked good so the last part of the testing process was laproscopic surgery to look for Endometriosis, since I had no obvious symptoms of it. I was really excited about this surgery. I had talked with other women that had this surgery and got pregnant right away. I just knew that was going to be me! The first thing I asked when I woke up from surgery, though groggy and nauseous, was, "Did they find anything?". Tripp said "Yes. He found some Endometriosis..." and that's all that mattered to me. I fell back to sleep with a sigh of relief. I was going to have a baby! I knew it! That was in October of 2007. Christmas came and I still wasn't pregnant. The doctor gave me 6 months to get pregnant on my own before he would recommend fertility treatment. Six months would be April of 2008. In February of 2008 I had a positive pregnancy test. I had felt for a few weeks like I might be pregnant, but I thought that every month and was tired of wasting tests and putting myself through all of the torture that goes along with it so I tried to put it out of my mind. But for three days I would wake up early in the morning and feel this incredible urge to take a test. Every time I would try to put it out of my mind. On the third day I couldn't do it anymore. I had to get it over with so I took a test. If you have ever tried to get pregnant for a long period of time you know how nerve-racking it is to take a pregnancy test. I hate it because I know it's going to be negative, but I just have to see for myself and a part of you thinks, "This might just be it!". And it was! There it was as plain as day "PREGNANT". Even now it makes me cry just thinking about it! I was stunned! I ran to Tripp, who was asleep, shook him awake and shoved the pee stick in his face! "Look! Look! We're going to have a baby!!!" But, as the day went on, something didn't feel right. Next thing I knew I was starting my period... right on time... just like very other month for the last 15 years. I called my best friend, who is a nurse, and told her what was going on. She tried to sound encouraging but I knew it wasn't. When I went to the doctor on Monday they said it had probably been either a "chemical pregnancy" (an early miscarriage) or a false positive, but I wasn't pregnant now. I feel like this was a turning point for us. On one hand, I felt like God was saying, "Be encouraged. You CAN get pregnant and it will happen when it's time.". On the other hand, I was tired and ready to just let go. Right after this happened a friend of ours gave us an article to read about a church in Florida that just about every member had adopted children. They saw it as "living the gospel". They talked about how as Christians we are adopted into God's family (Ephesians 1:5) so we should also adopt. And that it is one part of what the Bible calls in James 1:27 "religion that is pure and faultless" to care for orphans. It got me thinking, but Tripp wasn't ready to discuss it and I was still on the fence so we kind of just let it go. Once we finally got to the 6 month mark after my surgery the fertility treatment the doctor recommended was really expensive. I knew we couldn't afford it, but I was still willing to do just about anything but Tripp said, "Absolutely not! It would not be wise for us to go into that much debt to not even have a guarantee of success.". I knew he was right, so that was it. At that moment all we could do was trust God. We had done all we could physically do and He was in complete charge now.
Up to this point in my story, I don't think I have conveyed the depth of my sorrow throughout this process. I was hurting more than I had ever hurt before. On top of the infertility issues I was also in the process of dealing with my parents' divorce, which happened the year after we got married. I felt a lot of pressure, as a Christian, to "get over it"... all of it. Get over my parents' divorce. Get over the pain of infertility. My heart and my head were kind of at war with each other. My heart wanted to curl up into a ball and die from th epain of it all. My head knew that God was still God and in complete control. In my head, I knew that God was trustworthy. But, I was afraid to let go. I wanted to make my parents be who I wanted them to be and I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do and neither one would comply. If I let go I might lose both. I thought that if I could just get pregnant, it would fix everything! I would have a baby and that baby would bring my parents back together. It seemed simple and not too much to ask so why was God making me suffer so much? It wasn't fair! He knows that I wanted a baby more than anyone else and so why am I the only one not getting one? He knows how important my family was to me and so why is He letting my dreams of my parents being the perfect grandparents "together" slide through my fingers? I know now that I was having to learn how to grieve. I couldn't put on a happy face and pretend everything was great. I had to learn that everyone suffers, and not everyone gets what they ask for. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will have smooth sailing all of your life. Trials come and they serve a greater purpose. Sometimes they are to refine us and sometimes they are to teach us something that we wouldn't have learned without the struggle. Sometimes they come just because we live in a fallen world full of sin and death. Sometimes our struggles end with joy on this side of heaven and sometimes the relief only comes when we die and are finally in the presence of Jesus. There is a song by Natalie Grant that brings me to tears every time I hear it just because I feel what the song is conveying. It says, "We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live... it's unfair. This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held." This is what God was trying to show me. I was being held. He had been with me from the beginning and was strengthening me for His purpose and His glory. I had to let go and trust Him.
To be continued...
You have to know that I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. My mom used to tell me about when my brother was born, I was 2 1/2, how I would try to pick him up or change his diaper or "mommy" him in some other way. The first time I remember holding a baby I was about 5 or 6 years old. My step-cousin, Margo, was born and I got to hold her. I remember sitting on the couch at our house when they put that tiny little baby girl in my arms and I was overjoyed! I could have sat there forever. And that's how I felt every time I held a baby from that day on. I remember the name of every single baby that has captured my heart. When I played as a child I played with baby dolls or house where I was the mommy. I don't know when I learned about being pregnant but I always pretended that I had a baby in my tummy. I would stuff my shirt with whatever I could find and show off my "baby bump". As I grew up the desire just grew stronger. I used to daydream about someone leaving a baby on our doorstep or what would it be like to have a baby of my own. When I was in high school there were always women having babies at our church and I just couldn't hear enough about the whole pregnancy and birthing experience and breastfeeding. I couldn't wait until I turned 18, got married and started having babies! (yes, that is really what I thought would happen!) I used to have dreams about having a baby and dreams about breastfeeding a baby.
There was a part of me that feared infertility. I knew that my aunt suffered and yet believed that God would give her children. My mom would tell me about how the doctors told her that she couldn't and shouldn't have children, but she would put scriptures on her wall and keep trusting that God would give her the desire of her heart. And He did... He gave her two boys and a girl. That didn't give me any comfort, though. I was afraid that I would be told I could not have children but that I wouldn't have as much faith as my aunt did and I would go childless. I would try to push these thoughts and fears out of my head and yet they would always creep in. I don't know where the fear came from. Was it prophetic? Was it just because I wanted it so badly? Did I think that God wouldn't give me the desire of my heart? That I didn't deserve to be happy? I still wonder sometimes why I was so afraid this would happen to me. I also wonder why I never thought, "I could always adopt.". I have always thought that I would adopt after I had biological children, but I never thought about adopting instead of having biological children. It was like I wanted what I wanted how I wanted it and that was it!
When Tripp and I got married we decided that we would wait five years to have our first child. I don't know why we said five years. I guess we thought that was a good amount of time for it to be just the two of us. We had been married just a little over a year when we started thinking about trying to have a baby. The problem at that time was that I was starting to get really sick because of my Graves Disease which I had let go untreated for about 3 years. I had to have treatment and the treatment we decided on meant that we had to wait at least 6 months to get pregnant and they really recommended 1 year. Again, the fear of infertility popped in my head and I hounded the doctors about whether or not my treatment would keep me from being able to get pregnant. I was assured it would not so we went ahead with the treatment, but I had to get back on birth control (it's funny now that I ever bothered with that stuff in the first place!). So when the 6 months was up I got off birth control and we started trying to get pregnant. September 2004 the painful part of our journey began...
Shortly after we started trying to get pregnant I got some exciting news. One of my best friends was pregnant with her first baby. I cried. I don't know why but it broke my heart. I was so excited for her and it wasn't like we had been trying very long but I was still so jealous that it wasn't me! I remember driving, sobbing and praying, "Lord why does this hurt so bad? You know much I love her and that I am so excited for her! So why do I feel this way?". It didn't take me long to get excited about my friend having a baby though, and I couldn't get to Texas fast enough to see her when she was born.
We wanted to be close to family when we did finally have children so we figured this was the time to move to Georgia, where Tripp's family was. We kind of kept our plans to have a baby to ourselves and didn't really talk to many people about it for that first year. I remember other friends getting pregnant and feeling sad, again, that it wasn't me but other than that we really didn't worry about it too much. I felt like it would happen in God's timing, even though I really wanted God's timing to be my timing which was now! It wasn't until we moved into our house and the 2 year mark was creeping up on us that it really started to wear on me. I started reading books and looking online, talking to friends about tips on how to naturally "make" by body get pregnant. I would try to remind myself that God was in control and it just wasn't His timing. I cried when some people got pregnant and rejoiced with others. My doctor was encouraging me to get tested but I wasn't ready. I was afraid that they would find something and I would hear the dreaded words that I had feared for years, "There's nothing we can do. You will never get pregnant.". It was amazing, once we started sharing that we were struggling to get pregnant, how many people we knew had also struggled. God surrounded us with people that had been there, knew our pain and were able to comfort us in a way that other people couldn't. Through the encouragement of the people around us and books that I had been given to read, we decided to heed my doctor's advice and get tested.
The process of infertility testing is a very emotional process. You decide to get tested and you are nervous. They don't find anything and you are relieved and yet frustrated. Since my OB/GYN didn't find anything wrong the only thing left to do was send me to a Fertility Endocrinologist. Through blood tests and ultrasounds everything looked good so the last part of the testing process was laproscopic surgery to look for Endometriosis, since I had no obvious symptoms of it. I was really excited about this surgery. I had talked with other women that had this surgery and got pregnant right away. I just knew that was going to be me! The first thing I asked when I woke up from surgery, though groggy and nauseous, was, "Did they find anything?". Tripp said "Yes. He found some Endometriosis..." and that's all that mattered to me. I fell back to sleep with a sigh of relief. I was going to have a baby! I knew it! That was in October of 2007. Christmas came and I still wasn't pregnant. The doctor gave me 6 months to get pregnant on my own before he would recommend fertility treatment. Six months would be April of 2008. In February of 2008 I had a positive pregnancy test. I had felt for a few weeks like I might be pregnant, but I thought that every month and was tired of wasting tests and putting myself through all of the torture that goes along with it so I tried to put it out of my mind. But for three days I would wake up early in the morning and feel this incredible urge to take a test. Every time I would try to put it out of my mind. On the third day I couldn't do it anymore. I had to get it over with so I took a test. If you have ever tried to get pregnant for a long period of time you know how nerve-racking it is to take a pregnancy test. I hate it because I know it's going to be negative, but I just have to see for myself and a part of you thinks, "This might just be it!". And it was! There it was as plain as day "PREGNANT". Even now it makes me cry just thinking about it! I was stunned! I ran to Tripp, who was asleep, shook him awake and shoved the pee stick in his face! "Look! Look! We're going to have a baby!!!" But, as the day went on, something didn't feel right. Next thing I knew I was starting my period... right on time... just like very other month for the last 15 years. I called my best friend, who is a nurse, and told her what was going on. She tried to sound encouraging but I knew it wasn't. When I went to the doctor on Monday they said it had probably been either a "chemical pregnancy" (an early miscarriage) or a false positive, but I wasn't pregnant now. I feel like this was a turning point for us. On one hand, I felt like God was saying, "Be encouraged. You CAN get pregnant and it will happen when it's time.". On the other hand, I was tired and ready to just let go. Right after this happened a friend of ours gave us an article to read about a church in Florida that just about every member had adopted children. They saw it as "living the gospel". They talked about how as Christians we are adopted into God's family (Ephesians 1:5) so we should also adopt. And that it is one part of what the Bible calls in James 1:27 "religion that is pure and faultless" to care for orphans. It got me thinking, but Tripp wasn't ready to discuss it and I was still on the fence so we kind of just let it go. Once we finally got to the 6 month mark after my surgery the fertility treatment the doctor recommended was really expensive. I knew we couldn't afford it, but I was still willing to do just about anything but Tripp said, "Absolutely not! It would not be wise for us to go into that much debt to not even have a guarantee of success.". I knew he was right, so that was it. At that moment all we could do was trust God. We had done all we could physically do and He was in complete charge now.
Up to this point in my story, I don't think I have conveyed the depth of my sorrow throughout this process. I was hurting more than I had ever hurt before. On top of the infertility issues I was also in the process of dealing with my parents' divorce, which happened the year after we got married. I felt a lot of pressure, as a Christian, to "get over it"... all of it. Get over my parents' divorce. Get over the pain of infertility. My heart and my head were kind of at war with each other. My heart wanted to curl up into a ball and die from th epain of it all. My head knew that God was still God and in complete control. In my head, I knew that God was trustworthy. But, I was afraid to let go. I wanted to make my parents be who I wanted them to be and I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do and neither one would comply. If I let go I might lose both. I thought that if I could just get pregnant, it would fix everything! I would have a baby and that baby would bring my parents back together. It seemed simple and not too much to ask so why was God making me suffer so much? It wasn't fair! He knows that I wanted a baby more than anyone else and so why am I the only one not getting one? He knows how important my family was to me and so why is He letting my dreams of my parents being the perfect grandparents "together" slide through my fingers? I know now that I was having to learn how to grieve. I couldn't put on a happy face and pretend everything was great. I had to learn that everyone suffers, and not everyone gets what they ask for. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will have smooth sailing all of your life. Trials come and they serve a greater purpose. Sometimes they are to refine us and sometimes they are to teach us something that we wouldn't have learned without the struggle. Sometimes they come just because we live in a fallen world full of sin and death. Sometimes our struggles end with joy on this side of heaven and sometimes the relief only comes when we die and are finally in the presence of Jesus. There is a song by Natalie Grant that brings me to tears every time I hear it just because I feel what the song is conveying. It says, "We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live... it's unfair. This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held." This is what God was trying to show me. I was being held. He had been with me from the beginning and was strengthening me for His purpose and His glory. I had to let go and trust Him.
To be continued...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Adoption Day
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| Kerinsa Marie Photography |
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