The Trouble With Life

Today I just feel like writing about the sadness I have been feeling lately due to my infertility.


Now, I know what some of you are going to say... "But remember how blessed you are to have two beautiful and perfectly healthy little girls!".  This struggle of mine does not mean that I don't realize how blessed I am.  I would not trade my girls for even one chance to be pregnant.  I am thankful for how God ordained things in our lives.  But, I still feel a sense of loss.  I still feel like I am missing out on something wonderful.  I still have that dream that I have had since I was a little girl to feel a baby growing in my womb.  And I don't think it will ever go away.  You also have to remember that there are lots of women that suffer from Secondary Infertility.  They have one child and for some reason are not able to conceive again.  Contrary to what some believe, this kind of infertility is not any easier on a woman.  I would say this could be close to what I am going through.

I wrote this last week.  I go through periods like this where I just feel so sad that we can't seem to get pregnant.  This feeling for me comes and goes since we have gotten the girls.  It's not as constant as it was before we adopted, but it's still there at times.  I guess I didn't finish the post because, even though I'm pretty open and honest with my struggles, it still makes me feel very vulnerable to put all of my feelings out there for the world to see.  Especially since my feelings change like Michelle changes clothes!  But, I feel like, as hard as it is to be so vulnerable sometimes, maybe someone else is struggling and needs to know that they are not alone.

I don't know if I will ever NOT want to have a baby.  I'm afraid that this sorrow will hover over me my entire life.  It doesn't seem fair.  I wish God would just completely change my heart and make me not care if I got pregnant or not.  To not be so obsessed with babies, pregnancy, home births and all that stuff.  I wish it wasn't so hard to go to church and see a pregnant women every time I turn around.  Thankfully, I don't struggle as bad as some women do.  I guess it's because I am so obsessed with the whole pregnancy thing that in almost 7 years of infertility I have never felt like I couldn't rejoice with someone that gets pregnant and I have never avoided a baby shower.  I love celebrating new life.  But, I still wish it was me that was being congratulated and my belly that was being measured with a roll of toilet paper.

I will end with this...
I know that this world is fallen.  That bad things happen to good people and that we are not guaranteed to live healthy, wealthy and prosperous lives here on this earth.  If we were, then what would we have to look forward to?  Someone posted a quote ( I think it's a line from a song) on facebook and it has stuck with me ever since I saw it.  It said, "Sometimes my greatest disappointments and the hurting of this life are a remider of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy."  The trouble with life is that "in this life you will have trouble" (John 16:33).  Whether it's suffering for the cause of Christ, because of your faith or because of sickness, natural disaster, poverty, infertility... whatever.  Noone is above suffering of one kind or another.  I know that no matter how much I want to get pregnant, it may never happen and I may never be completely at peace with that.  And that's okay.  It's okay to be sad and to feel frustrated at times.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."