From an Empty Nest to a Full Quiver

I was awakened out of a nice deep sleep at 5:30 this morning by a little voice calling "Mommy" from the other room. It turned out that both girls had had wet the bed so I set to work changing sheets and clothes and by the time I was able to lay back in bed I was wide awake. As I laid there, trying my hardest to go back to dreamland, it hit me how blessed I am to have those two little beauties in the other room, the sweet little boy that, as I was thinking about this, started to cry and then drifted back to sleep and the round belly that caused me to have to get up (yet again) and go potty so I didn't have to change my own sheets. I've told the story about how we came by the first two blessings, but I've been so busy and so tired that I haven't made time to stop and tell how we came about the other two. And since I'm already awake and it's on my mind, might as well get up and do it now!

We had always talked about adopting again once the girls were settled. We began talking more seriously about it late last year. In January, I turned in an application to our local adoption agency and then a few weeks later we felt, yet again, that the Lord was leading us back to DFCS (Human Resources, Division of Family and Children Services - foster care). This time we decided (mostly because I really wanted a newborn) that we would foster instead of foster-to-adopt like we did with the girls. By fostering instead of fostering-to-adopt we knew that we would be more likely to get an infant, but also that we would most likely not get to adopt the first baby that we were placed with. We were mentally preparing ourselves for this as well as preparing the girls, as best as we could.

March 8th we got the call we had been waiting almost two months for. They had a 2 month old, African American baby boy. I quickly started making calls and getting things together. Even though we had been planning this, we still didn't have some basic necessities. I went to pick him up at the DFCS office and he immediately took to me. "Uh oh.", I thought, "You cannot get attached to me, little guy, because this is only temporary!".  I brought him home, survived a week of sleepless nights before we finally got to meet with his caseworker. She informed us that it already looked like his case was going to go towards adoption. At this point we really felt like we could adopt him. She was thrilled to hear that we wanted to keep him if he went up for adoption and put our name in big letters on top of her notes. We were completely unaware of what challenges we were about to face.

As the second week of having Timothy went on I was getting more and more exhausted. I had never had a baby this young before, so I thought I was just tired from late night feedings and taking care of him and two very active girls. By the end of the week I was starting to think that maybe it could be something else. My period was now almost two weeks late. I still wasn't thinking that I was pregnant (I had long since given up on that notion), I just thought that maybe something was wrong. By Sunday evening, as Tripp was playing drums at church and I broke down under stress and exhaustion, my friend took all the kids from me and strongly suggested I take some time for myself and even more strongly suggested that I buy a pregnancy test. So I did. It was positive. I couldn't believe it. I showed Tripp when he got home and he DIDN'T believe it. He made me take another one. It was positive. The next day he called me from work and told me to take the last one in the box. It was positive. When he got home he took me to the drugstore to buy another box. They were both positive. We were in shock! After 8 long years were we FINALLY having a baby?

Why now? Here we had this little baby boy that needed us and we were having a baby. I was so tired and eventually felling so sick all the time that I could not imagine taking care of TWO babies plus a 5 year old and a very, very active 3 year old. Add to that the opposition we were getting from a few family members because of Timothy's race and we were just so overwhelmed that we didn't know what to do. During this time Tripp and I were stretched beyond what we thought we could handle. We were worn out physically, spiritually and emotionally.

As to not drag this story out too much, I'll give you a brief overview of the few months between then and where we are now...
God has graciously shown us our own sin and selfishness through this little boy. He has shown us how to give up our own desires for the needs of another, how to love those that are different than us, how to love those who oppose us, how to stand firm on what you believe in, how to persevere through difficult circumstances and much, much more. Timothy's case is still pending, but we already love him as our own. I can't imagine not having him as my son. I would go to the moon and back for him. I will be devastated if we lose him.

God is so good. Who would have thought 8 years ago when we started this journey of trying to have a family that we would be where we are now. Who would have thought that Tripp and I would have 4 children in 3 years time! Who would have thought that Tripp Freeman would actually entertain the thought of having 5 or 6 children? Not me!

One of our good friends encouraged me with a verse when we were in the most difficult time of our infertility struggle. Isaiah is speaking of the barren woman when he says in Isaiah 54:2 "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes." He may not have known at the time that this was prophetic as we have had to do this very thing this year! We have had to make room in our tiny house for all the children that the Lord has blessed us with! Another verse that the same friend encouraged us with as we were struggling over whether or not we were supposed to adopt Timothy is Psalm 127:3-5 "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children are a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate."

Thank you, Jesus, for our full quiver. Or, maybe it's not quite full, yet.  :)

Who has time for this stuff anyway?

So, I am ashamed that this is my first (real) post of 2012.  It's actually the first post in many, many months.  I have been so busy with BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), running Michelle to ballet and soccer, chasing Anna (who is running right towards the terrible 3's), getting ready to be a foster parent... whew!  No wonder I haven't had time to write!

I started this blog at first as sort of a way to journal; just to get my thoughts out of my head and send them out into the void.  Then, I realized that I have family all over the US (the world, actually) that wanted updates on our family and this would be a great way to share with them what was going on.  It turned out, instead, to be a way to sort of flesh out my spiritual growth.  I realized after writing a few months that fleshing out my spiritual growth for the world to see is not that easy.  I got kind of embarrassed.  Spiritual growth (from now on I will call it sanctification) means that you are constantly changing and that what you say today may seem so silly tomorrow.  I sat down one day and decided to write about all the things that God was teaching me and how much I had changed over the last 10 years or so.  Thankfully I accidentally hit the wrong key and somehow erased the entire thing right before the autosave.  I was frustrated and had to walk away from the computer and stew over it for a few days.  That's when I realized that some of the things that I was saying might alienate people that I loved, and not necessarily in a godly way.  It was a good thing that didn't get published!  After that I was kind of blog shy.  I love to write, but I just didn't want to anymore.  Then I got busy, like I mentioned  at the beginning.

So, like I said in my most recent "hey, I'm still here" post, I went to the Created for Care retreat and felt kind of ashamed that I hadn't been keeping up with my blog and felt like I needed to come home and update.  But... I came home in the middle of God doing something to challenge me.  I was so ready to write about how I was frustrated about this and frustrated about that and how dare people treat me like that, etc.  I was feeling pretty good about myself and how much I had grown and all the things I was "doing for the Lord".  Then comes Tuesday (my BSF Leadership day) and the new lesson.  We were now in 1 Corinthians.  Paul is calling out the Corinthians for their spiritual pride and God called me out on mine.  It hit me for the first time how I sounded.  "How dare people treat me like an outcast!"  "I'm doing just fine!  I don't need their pity!"  Wow!  I had no idea how bad I sounded.  I was embarrassed that I had actually said all this stuff out loud to my friend, Susan.  Ugh!  And He didn't stop there.  A week later I am having to humbly call a friend and apologize for acting like a fool.

Pride stinks.  Nobody likes to be around a prideful person.  But, I've been avoiding dealing with my pride issue for years!  I was beginning to think that maybe God was just going to let me slide on this one!  I really did not want to deal with it.  It's one of those soft spots that is just to sensitive to deal with and too hard to overcome.  But, here I am, right in the middle of sanctification, and God wants it all.  I think I forgot for a moment that sanctification never ends.  That there will always be something that needs to be purged out.  It sucks sometimes, but Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:14 "I am not writing this to shame you, but to warn you, as my dear children."  I am God's child and "the Lord Disciplines those He loves" (Proverbs 3:12 and Hebrews 12:6).  The verse that I have been holding onto for the last year is this... Philippians 1:6b "... he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  I am nowhere near done with my battle with pride, but I believe that God is more gracious to me than I am to myself.  I pray that I will begin to see the needs and concerns of other people more important than what I feel like I deserve.

Bueller...Bueller...

So, I realized when I went to Created for Care adoptive mom's retreat this weekend that I have not updated my blog in forever!  I don't even know if anyone really keeps up with this, but if you do, you have probably been wondering where I am!  There is definitely something on my mind from the weekend that I would like to write about.  I promise to make some time to do that soon!

The Trouble With Life

Today I just feel like writing about the sadness I have been feeling lately due to my infertility.


Now, I know what some of you are going to say... "But remember how blessed you are to have two beautiful and perfectly healthy little girls!".  This struggle of mine does not mean that I don't realize how blessed I am.  I would not trade my girls for even one chance to be pregnant.  I am thankful for how God ordained things in our lives.  But, I still feel a sense of loss.  I still feel like I am missing out on something wonderful.  I still have that dream that I have had since I was a little girl to feel a baby growing in my womb.  And I don't think it will ever go away.  You also have to remember that there are lots of women that suffer from Secondary Infertility.  They have one child and for some reason are not able to conceive again.  Contrary to what some believe, this kind of infertility is not any easier on a woman.  I would say this could be close to what I am going through.

I wrote this last week.  I go through periods like this where I just feel so sad that we can't seem to get pregnant.  This feeling for me comes and goes since we have gotten the girls.  It's not as constant as it was before we adopted, but it's still there at times.  I guess I didn't finish the post because, even though I'm pretty open and honest with my struggles, it still makes me feel very vulnerable to put all of my feelings out there for the world to see.  Especially since my feelings change like Michelle changes clothes!  But, I feel like, as hard as it is to be so vulnerable sometimes, maybe someone else is struggling and needs to know that they are not alone.

I don't know if I will ever NOT want to have a baby.  I'm afraid that this sorrow will hover over me my entire life.  It doesn't seem fair.  I wish God would just completely change my heart and make me not care if I got pregnant or not.  To not be so obsessed with babies, pregnancy, home births and all that stuff.  I wish it wasn't so hard to go to church and see a pregnant women every time I turn around.  Thankfully, I don't struggle as bad as some women do.  I guess it's because I am so obsessed with the whole pregnancy thing that in almost 7 years of infertility I have never felt like I couldn't rejoice with someone that gets pregnant and I have never avoided a baby shower.  I love celebrating new life.  But, I still wish it was me that was being congratulated and my belly that was being measured with a roll of toilet paper.

I will end with this...
I know that this world is fallen.  That bad things happen to good people and that we are not guaranteed to live healthy, wealthy and prosperous lives here on this earth.  If we were, then what would we have to look forward to?  Someone posted a quote ( I think it's a line from a song) on facebook and it has stuck with me ever since I saw it.  It said, "Sometimes my greatest disappointments and the hurting of this life are a remider of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy."  The trouble with life is that "in this life you will have trouble" (John 16:33).  Whether it's suffering for the cause of Christ, because of your faith or because of sickness, natural disaster, poverty, infertility... whatever.  Noone is above suffering of one kind or another.  I know that no matter how much I want to get pregnant, it may never happen and I may never be completely at peace with that.  And that's okay.  It's okay to be sad and to feel frustrated at times.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

To Adopt or Support?

This is the big question on my mind lately.  Even though Tripp and I have only just recently finalized the adoption of Michelle and Anna, we have been their parents for about a year-and-a-half.  I figured, like most people told me over and over, that we would get pregnant as soon as we adopted.  Which was fine with me since Anna was already 8 months old when they moved in with us.  But, it didn't happen.  I was suprised that this actually discouraged me.  I mean... I should just be grateful that God blessed us with these two beautiful little girls and not complain about not getting to be pregnant or not having a little boy!  So I gave it to Him.  I felt like the Lord was telling me that this was part of my ministry to my childless friends.  I could relate to them like most could not.  I had been blessed with children and yet I still understood and felt the pain that they were feeling.
Then something happened...
It started with the adoptive mom's retreat.  I joked before going about coming home convinced that we needed to adopt from Africa.  That almost happened!  I came home with this huge burden for children in Uganda and a desire to change our lifestyle and help this ministry (Sixty Feet) that helped imprisoned children in Uganda.  I didn't feel like we were supposed to adopt from Uganda, or anywhere at all, really.  But, I was excited about encouraging other people to adopt and helping those that had already decided to do so.  I still had a strong desire to get pregnant and even felt like the Lord told me to ask Him for this, and I did.  I began praying that I would get pregnant.  Tripp even started talking about wanting a boy.  Michelle was asking when she was going to get a baby brother.  So, we all kind of started praying for a baby.  Not furvently, but just sort of like "Oh and by the way, Lord, can we have a baby?".  This went on for maybe 2 months.  Then I started to think that maybe two was enough.  I realized how blessed we have been and how much more we could do for Michelle and Anna if it were just the two of them.  I started to feel content.  I actually stopped wanting to get pregnant.  Now, I have been trying to get pregnant for a loooong time.  So I know all the tricks that your mind can play and how subconsiously you start to think that maybe if I stop wanting it so badly that will be what God wanted me to do and He will finally let me get pregnant, or my body will relax and I will finally be able to get pregnant.  I wondered if that's all it was.  But, it didn't really feel like that.  It felt more like complete contentment.  I didn't know how long it would last, if it was temporary relief or if this was really a change of heart, but it felt good.
Then the cupcake sale...
Michelle wanted to see pictures of the kids in Uganda that we were helping so we went to their website (www.sixtyfeet.org) and started watching the videos.  This was the first time I sat down to watch these videos since seeing the movie at the adoptive mom's retreat.  My heart began to stir and I started to think about adoption.  At first I was thinking international adoption, probably Uganda.  Then I started seeing all of these adoption placement videos on Facebook with couples adopting domesticly and I started thinking about how much I would love to adopt a newborn.  The passion that I had for the whole  pregnancy experience of having a home birth and breastfeeding my child was changing.  Instead, I was falling in love with adoption.  I kept all of this to myself because, even though Tripp wouldn't mind if we got pregnant or if someone just randomly asked us to adopt a baby, I knew that he didn't want to go looking for another kid!  I just began to pray about what was in my heart.  But then, wonder of all wonders, Tripp actually brings up the subject of possibly fostering or adopting!  Maybe this was God!
So, here we are.  We are interested in adopting again.  Is this God or is this us?  The idea for Tripp was that we get too caught up in being compfortable and having stuff that we want and maybe it's time to let go of some of that.  That's a great thing, but are we supposed to adopt?  I have this passionate love for adoption, but is it for us to do or for us to support others on their adoption journey?  I still feel somewhat content with having only my two girls, but at the same time I would love to have a new baby.
I don't really have any revelation on this.  I'm afraid this blog post is going to end unanswered.
I will say this... God's word is clear about how He wants us to set the oppressed free, feed the hungry (Isaiah 58:6-7) and to care for the widows and the orphans (JAMES 1:27)...

I wrote this is April.  I don't know why I never published it.  Shortly after I wrote this we actually started talking about adopting from India.  I read this article about how, even with enouragement and assistance from the government for people who have girls, there is still a huge problem of people prefering to have boys and, therefore, abandoning or aborting girl babies.  So, Tripp and I started talking about what we should do... do we pursue India?... do we pursue adopting a newborn domestically?... or do we just try to support others who feel called to adopt?  Tripp decided that we should work on getting our house in order (we have a remodeling project that we need to finish to make room for another child) and wait one year before we start pursuing another adoption.  So that's where we have been for the last few months.  The next post (that I also started but never completed) will tell you where I am right now with the whole thing.   So, I guess I should say...

To be continued...

About The Cupcake Kids Cupcake Sale

Since the adoption retreat I went to in February, the country of Uganda has been on my heart.  We were introduced to a ministry called 60 Feet.  You can read about their story at www.sixtyfeet.org, but basically they are trying to provide for the needs of imprisoned children... you heard me right... I said children in prison.  They made a movie about it and showed it at the retreat.  It was heartbreaking to watch what these children have to endure.  The movie really gave you a feel for the hearts of the people at 60 Feet and made me want to support them just because they seemed so humble and willing to go wherever God lead them.  I felt such an urge to do something... to get involved somehow.

Now, I'm not one to get all fired up about about foreign missions.  I may have been as a teenager, but as an adult I always figured there were enough people in my own back yard that needed Jesus just as much.  But, my heart has been completely broken for these children.  I don't know why now and why Uganda specifically.  It could be that being a mom has softened my heart or adopting children has made me more sensitive to orphans and abandoned children. (I know both of those ARE true)  Anyway, I can't watch a 60 Feet video or read a blog without balling my eyes out!  Having adopted my own children from foster care, I know a little bit about what orphaned and abandoned children go through in this country and it is no where near what these children in Uganda face every day.  Praise God for Social Justice in America! (not that it doesn't have it's problems - that would be a whole 'nother post!)  And praise God for 60 Feet and other ministries like them stepping up to do God's work in places like Uganda!

The Cupcake Kids (www.thecupcakekids.org) was started when a couple of kids asked their parents if they could sell cupcakes and give all the money to the kids in Africa. It was such a huge success that others wanted to do it as well and next thing they knew they had cupcake sales going on all over the US.  The other moms that I went on the retreat with felt a burden as well so we all decided to host a cupcake sale in Macon.

I encourage you to click on the links I provided and see for yourself what this is all about and why we felt the need to do this.  I hope your heart is broken for God's children as mine has been.  If not for more than  to see how God is moving hearts to act on behalf of those who are suffering.

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your feed with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to cloth him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"  Isaiah 58:6-7

"If you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday."  Isaiah 58:10

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world."  James 1:27

Our cupcake sale here in Macon is going to take place two days in a row.  This Saturday, April 16 at Bearstock on Mercer University campus from 12pm to ? (until we drop, I guess) and 10am Sunday April 17 at New City Church Downtown, 533 Cherry Street, Macon, GA.

Bible Study Fellowship

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.  Isaiah 40:1  I had to remind myself recently that God did not say, "Be comfortable, be comfortable my people...".

I went on a leadership retreat for this Bible study that I am in called Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) last weekend.  I started going to BSF last January, right after the girls moved in with us.  Tripp's grandmother had been trying to get me to go since we moved to Macon six years ago.  I went to an Intro-Class, but that's as far as I got.  All I had heard about BSF was how strict and structured they were and if you missed one class you were out!  Well, being the uncommitted free spirit that I am, I thought, "That is definitely not for me!".  But, when the girls moved in and I was home with them every day ALL DAY LONG, I thought, "Maybe I'll just give it a try".  They were studying John at the time and I absolutely LOVED it!  I loved it enough that I decided to come back the next year to study Isaiah.  To my surprise, the teaching leader called me a few months before Isaiah started to tell me that someone had recommended me for leadership.  I was flattered and terrified at the same time.  Tripp and I prayed about it and both felt like I should do it, so I accepted.  Did you ever think about when the Lord came to Gideon while he was hiding from the Midianites and called him a "Mighty Warrior" that Gideon didn't argue with that title right away?  He argued the fact that he said "the Lord is with you" but not the title he was given.  It wasn't until the Lord told him what was required of him that he began to tell Him how he was the least of his family and his family was the smallest.  That was my reaction exactly when I started leadership last fall.  At first I was like, "Mighty Warrior (aka Leader)... sure... I can see that about myself.", which quickly turned into (once I realized what God was really asking me to do), "Wait a minute, Lord... I'm no leader!  This is way too hard.  I'm a follower, not a leader.  Who am I to shepherd anyone?" I was so far out of my comfort zone that it brought me to tears at times.  God is faithful, though, He gave me the encouragement that I needed and began to show me that He was stretching me for His glory.  But, just like Gideon, sometimes I need the Lord to walk through it with me and give me a few signs.  I started thinking that I was doing a terrible job and that, even if I was asked back next year, I couldn't do it.  It was too hard.  And by "hard" I don't mean that BSF is hard or studying God's word is hard.  Being pushed out of my comfort zone is hard!  The things that I thought would get easier as the year went on didn't.  I still felt like I was out of my comfort zone in so many ways and it was making me tired.  The Created for Care retreat that I went on the weekend before the BSF one was so awesome.  I wrote on my last blog post about how the Lord set me free from the bondage I had been living under and began to show me that He wanted to free me from myself.  That, of course, is a process that we all have to go through in life.  If we, as Christians, continue to live for ourselves after we give our lives to Christ, then we miss the reason we are still here and not immediately taken up to heaven.  We are called to live our lives as an offering to Him.  To work out our salvation with fear and trembling.  To be His witnesses.

So, I went on this BSF retreat encouraged from the last retreat, but still tired and thinking that I wasn't sure I could do this again next year.  Wouldn't you know that God threw me out of my comfort zone again!  I was fairly comfortable going on this retreat with the other leaders that I was just barely getting to know, but then I found out when I got there that I was sitting in a different dining room than most of the other ladies from my group!  My friend and I had also signed up to be ushers, so a lot of the weekend I was sitting with people I didn't know.  (if you read my last blog post then you know the same thing happened at the last retreat)  God used that to show me that no matter where I am I am His, He is with me and will give me the strength I need to do what He is calling me to.  I was encouraged by the people I met from other classes and the speakers that talked about how they came to BSF feeling very similar to the way I did.  These people were doing what God had called them to do even when it wasn't comfortable or easy.  Some of them have even given up the comforts of life in our country to start BSF classes in other countries.  That was convicting.  Here I am... a stay at home mom with, not 10, but 2 children and yet I complain that I don't have enough time or that I am too stressed and I need rest.  I don't know where this idea that God doesn't want us to be too stressed or won't call us to give until it hurts came from.  It definitely didn't come from His Word!  I realized that I was complaining because I was uncomfortable, but I really have never had to give of myself to the point that it hurt.  If something gets too hard I quit.  This is a very sobering realization!  Looking back at my life I can see that I either avoided things because they seemed too hard or I quit when something got too hard.  No wonder I feel like I am going from one hardship to another.  God is still having to teach me how to persevere.  All my life I have been looking forward to being comfortable and happy, but I don't want to work hard for that peace.  I want God to just give it to me.  I wanted to make enough money to have a nice home, car, to have nice clothes and nice things for my kids but college was too hard so I quit.  I wanted to sing, write music and play guitar but it was too hard to learn how to do those things so I never have.  I wanted God to supernaturally give those abilities to me!  I talk a lot about suffering because of my struggle with my parents' divorce and my battle with infertility and how I have seen God's purpose in it or God using a time of suffering for His good purpose.  But, this is the first time I have stopped to think about daily laying down my life (literally or my desires and needs) for the sake of the gospel.  I'm not sure what this means for me besides just persevering through this time that God is stretching me and molding me into His image and not growing weary because I had to get ready for the next day and didn't get to veg out in front of the TV.  I feel like God is calling us as a family to change the way we live, spend money and what we pursue.  I'm a little nervous that He might be calling us a little more out of our comfort zone than we think we can bear.  But, I will trust in the Lord and lean on the promises that He gives through His word.  

Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. 

and, of course, I have to throw in a few verses from Isaiah...

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary, and increases power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on with wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

p.s. If you are interested in an awesome Bible study you should check out BSF!  www.bsfinternational.org

also, if you want to read about a woman that has truly given up everything for the sake of the gospel check out this blog www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com