Jude's Birth

I won't go into a long drawn out story of Jude's super easy birth, but I wanted to be able to share a few pictures for those who might be interested and figured this would be the best way, rather than imposing them on all of my facebook friends. I will share a few things leading up to his birth though...

First of all, the whole time I was pregnant with Audrey we pretty much assumed she would be our last. We were still a little freaked out about having 4 kids and weren't sure how or IF we would survive! But, as soon as Audrey was born we were just so in awe of our little blessing and how amazing her birth was. I loved being pregnant, loved the relationships I had built with so many new people through the whole process and I actually loved giving birth! We decided right away that we wanted to have just one more. We didn't expect to get pregnant as soon as we did, but we planned on not waiting too long. By the time Audrey was about 8 months old I started dreaming of having a little boy. I just knew we would get pregnant again and it would be a boy. We really wanted Timothy to have a brother and were kind of curious about what a boy we made would look like!

Almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started worrying about everything. What would people think? Audrey was only 10 months old and this would be our 5th kid! And then I worried that something would go wrong and we would lose the baby. Got through the first 12 weeks and started to relax a little. Then I started worrying that something would go wrong and I wouldn't be able to have a home birth again. I pretty much worried about one thing or another the entire pregnancy. As soon as I would relax, something else would cause me to start worrying again. I'm usually more laid back and not one to worry about much, so I tried to figure out what my problem was. Was it mommy intuition? Was it just unfounded fears? Was it pride because I was "the home birth girl" and if something went wrong then I was wrong for choosing that path? I really tried not to worry. I had my friends praying for me and my midwife reassuring me. I hate that I wasted so much time worrying, but how do you make yourself stop?

So, skip to the end and, of course, everything turned out perfect. Not just ok. But PERFECT. I mean, it's like God heard every one of my fears and answered every prayer. Right down to the very last detail. The biggest thing to me was to get to push him out in the birth pool and pick him up out of the water myself .

My friend Susan took pictures for me and every time I look at them I am reminded that God is so good. Not that He wouldn't have been good if things had not gone my way. Because He is ALWAYS good. These photos will be a reminder to me that I can cast all of my anxieties on Him because He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7).  And that He really does give good gifts to His children.

So, here are my pictures. Jude actually came on his due date. I woke up at 2:48 am exactly with my first contraction and he was born at 10:56 am. I could not imagine an easier labor than I had with Audrey and was hoping for a much shorter pushing time! (almost 2 hours of pushing with her) My water didn't break until right at the end which made labor much easier than I imagined and he was born in the water after about 3 pushes! And I got to pick him up out of the water myself. It was such a beautiful experience!

Anna Christine

Four years ago, on Friday the 13th, my little Anna was born. I wish that I had a fun home birth story to tell about her birth, but I wasn't there. On Friday the 13th 2009 I was somewhere else, completely unaware that my 2nd daughter was coming into the world.  I don't have any pictures of her birth or even her sweet little newborn face. Another woman had the privilege of carrying and delivering my sweet girl. And while I have been so blessed by adoption, I am most aware of the pain and sorrow of it on days like today. While I mourn that this little girl did not come from my womb, I have had the joy of celebrating every birthday since that very first one. But the woman that gave birth to her, while she got to be there for that first precious breath, has not seen a birthday since. I always think of her on my girls' birthdays and Mother's Day.  I wonder if she remembers what today is. I mean, who could forget the day you gave birth? I know I couldn't. I do not judge her. I'm not angry with her. I grieve for her. For I can only imagine the pain that days like this must bring to her. I pray for her on days like today. I pray that she will know the joy that comes from the freedom that Christ offers. That she will accept His free gift of grace and be healed from her past hurts. I know she has many. Though I've never met this woman, I love her so much. She gave me two very precious gifts. Sometimes I wish I could call her up and tell her thank you. Not that that would bring any comfort to her. It's a selfish wish, really. I just wish she could see how happy her little girl is and how much joy she brings to people around her. I am reminded today that while adoption is a beautiful thing, it is beauty that God has made out of ashes. The fact that there are orphans in the world that need to be adopted is another product of the fall of man. I am so very thankful that our Father is making all things new.

My Home Birth

I decided to write about my birth story for 2 reasons. #1 Some of my friends wanted to hear my story because they were intrigued about home birth or they knew how much I have always wanted to have a baby and wanted to hear how it went. #2 There are a lot of misconceptions about home birth and I have become passionate about bringing awareness to it. It's kind of long because I give the back story of why I wanted a home birth in the first place.

I have always been a little obsessed with babies, pregnancy and birth. Even during my 8 years of infertility, I didn't shy away from reading about it, watching those tv shows about it or listening to other women's birth stories. I've pretty much always wanted to give birth naturally and then, after living with a home birth midwife for a while and my best friend having 2 of her babies at home, really wanted to have a baby at home. Of course, I thought that I would have my first baby in a hospital, just to be "safe" and then, if the first birth went well, have the rest at home. This was before I knew it would take me 8 years and 3 adopted/foster kids to get pregnant!

When we found out we were pregnant we decided, after much thought and discussion, to go ahead and have our baby at home. For 1, this may be our only pregnancy and 2, by this time, I had read enough about it that I was fairly confident in my ability to give birth and I wanted to be sure I could do it my way without any interventions. There were moments at the beginning when I didn't think Tripp was going to go along with this home birth thing, but after watching a few documentaries with me and meeting our midwife, he was as convinced as I was that this was the way we should go.

Backing up a little bit... I had been given the impression by someone when we first moved to Georgia, that home birth was frowned upon here. So, I wasn't sure if I could even do it. I used to joke that if I ever got pregnant we would have to go back to Texas so that my friend could deliver our baby. I was thrilled when I found out that a friend at Bible study had all three of her children at home. So, when I found out I was pregnant, the first thing I did was email my midwife friend in Texas and ask her what to look for in a midwife (what to ask her in an interview, etc), thinking that I would interview at least 2 or 3. I was surprised to discover there was only one home birth midwife in our area! Thankfully, I had 3 friends that swore by her and she turned out to be pretty amazing. It was our first meeting with her that really set Tripp's mind at ease about having our baby at home.

One of the things that I loved about having a home birth is the prenatal care. Honestly, I had a really easy pregnancy, so I didn't require a whole lot more than the routine stuff. But, if I needed anything or had a question about something, I could call my midwife directly. I didn't have to call and leave a message with a nurse and wait for a call back. I've actually even facebook messaged her several times! Not only that, but my visits/appointments were never rushed. Often times I would be there an hour just talking to her. By the end of my pregnancy, I was completely at ease with her. She felt more like a friend or part of the family than a healthcare provider. I think that and being educated about birth really helped me during labor. If she told me I needed to do something, I didn't question her. I just did it. I trusted her. I knew that she wouldn't put me or Audrey in danger and that she would be honest with me if something was wrong.

I loved being able to labor and deliver at home. My labor was fairly typical, from what we learned in our Bradley classes. It started out slow and gradually progressed. When my water broke, I was at home with the kids. I called Carlene (my midwife) and Tripp to let them know that I thought labor was starting. I was able to feed the kids lunch and eat lunch myself. My friend Danielle came over to help me with them and get the girls settled at a friend's house. She was able to stay and help us with Timothy. Tripp and Danielle set up the birthing pool, but we didn't think I was far enough along to get in it, yet. If you get in too soon it could slow things down. Danielle and Tripp timed my contractions and I was able to walk around and find different positions to manage the pain. I couldn't lay down at all. This made my contractions more painful, so I walked around, sat on my exercise ball or laid my head down to rest a little. I took a shower, thinking that the warm water might help. I remember thinking when I was in the shower that the contractions had been manageable and then remembering something someone said in a documentary, "Oh honey, they're going to get much worse!".  I tried to eat a little, but by dinner time I wasn't hungry. When the contractions got really strong, I got in the bathtub for a little while (by that time I was in transition). That's the first time I remember thinking that I didn't know how much more I could take. Carlene was at another birth when I had called her earlier, so I just managed the contractions and waited for her to come. Since this was my first baby and I had still been at 1 cm when Carlene checked me that morning, we figured it would take a while. I was in labor for about 9 hours total, but it really didn't feel like that long. You just take each contraction as they come. I think the best thing for me was that I had tried to educate myself so much about childbirth and I wasn't afraid of it. It really helped that I had read books and watched documentaries about other people's birth stories (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and More Business Of Being Born). Helpful things would come to my mind at just the right times.
Carlene sent help until she could get there, so I had a wonderful group of women (plus Tripp) to help and encourage me. Looking back, that was one of my favorite things. I had Carlene's assistant (her daughter - who I had met several times at my appointments and felt really comfortable with. She's a lot like her mom and I think I relaxed a lot when she got there.), a NICU nurse that wants to be a midwife and attends births with Carlene sometimes, a mennonite woman that came (with her own sweet baby) to check me to see how much I was dilated until Carlene could get there, Carlene and then my friend Danielle. I was surrounded by women who had all given birth and witnessed birth. I almost felt like I was on The Farm! (Ina May Gaskin's birth center/commune) The birthing pool felt amazing! I've heard people say that it's like a natural epidural and I believe it! But, for me, pushing wasn't very effective in the pool, so I ended up getting out (and back in and out again). Audrey ended up being born in our room, on our bed instead of the pool. By the time Carlene got there I was ready to push. Pushing was the hardest part for me. I pushed for almost 2 hours. I remember thinking at one point, "This is crazy! Why do people do this more than once? I'm never doing this again! If we have any more kids, they will be adopted for sure!". When Audrey was born she was immediately laid on me while Carlene suctioned her out and did a quick check, we waited for the cord to stop pulsing, I delivered the placenta (no, I didn't keep it or eat it!) and Carlene stitched me up (I had just a small tear). Tripp cut the cord once it had stopped pulsing. Carlene examined her, weighed her, cleaned her up a little (don't have to wash off the vernix. it's actually good for their skin) and got her dressed all right there in my room with us. Audrey never left my sight. Carlene stayed until she was sure we were both okay, called a few times to check on me the next day, came back a few days later and she's been available to us if we had questions since. She'll do my 6 week check up soon. The whole thing was amazing. I've said it a few times on facebook, but it really was the most amazing day of my life and I would do it again the exact same way in a heartbeat! (just not right away, of course!)

Since giving birth, I've been looking in to becoming a childbirth educator. I love talking to other women about it and encouraging them, not just to do it naturally or at home, but so they are not afraid of it.

I used to think it was funny that two of my friends said that they loved giving birth, but now that I have, I feel the same way! It's true that you forget the pain, but it was the whole experience that was so amazing to me. 

Here are some pictures!

Tripp trying to offer "hands off" support

Danielle timing my contractions

Tripp helping me through a contraction

Sitting in the birthing pool (maybe between contractions)

Audrey Caroline 

Carlene and Audrey

Getting all cleaned up

Getting weighed (8 lb 4 oz)

Baby and mommy

Tripp and Christy's Amazing Adventure

Tripp and Christy met in Memphis, Tennessee at Visible Music College in August of 2001. They had a brief conversation at orientation when Tripp commented on Christy's Poor Old Lu t-shirt and Tripp thought to himself, "You know...if it doesn't work out with the other girl that I followed here from the ATL, I could probably marry her.". 

As the year went on a friendship formed which led to love and when school was out Tripp and Christy left Memphis for Texas, where they got engaged and in December of that year, married. They decided that the big city of Houston was not for them and headed for Green Acres... trailer park, that is, just outside of Atlanta where they made a cozy little home. A few months there and it was back to Texas, where they continued to grow restless until a friend said, "Hey, come back to Memphis!".  So they did. They spent a whole year in Memphis, working and making friends until they decided it was time to have babies and Georgia was on their minds. So they packed up and headed back to Georgia. Macon, Georgia, this time.  They established their careers there and bought a house, preparing for the baby that just wouldn't seem to come. A few years of this and they decided that maybe adoption was the plan for them and so they quickly went from 2 to 4 when Michelle and Anna joined their little family.  Their hearts were now full with these two beautiful little girls and you would think the story would end here, or at least slow down and get pretty boring. But, wait! There's more...

After a few years as a family of four, they decided it was time for their family to grow again. Maybe adoption in the future, but for now they wanted to love on those that may be only half orphan... foster children. Babies to be exact. Because Christy had still never had an itty-bitty one and her heart longed to snuggle a squishy new baby. A few short months after they began this new journey, 2 month old little Timothy came along. And oh the waves this little brown boy would make! But, they loved him as their own and decided to adopt him, if they could. Little did they know that something else was brewing. Something very itty-bitty. Something wonderful. A little miracle from their loving Father... they were finally going to have a belly baby!

Now this little adventure was getting kind of scary! Two babies! What would they do with two babies? How would they manage doubling their family in less than 9 months? Oh... but God had this all planned from the beginning. He knew they would eventually come to see this as the most beautiful time in their lives. Two beautiful babies would join Michelle and Anna and their little family of four would become a family of six. Big baby T in March and little baby Audrey in December, born at home (Christy's dream birth) 11 days before their 10 year anniversary.

This is not the end of their story. They have many happy years and adventures to come. Maybe more children or maybe something entirely new.  One thing is fore sure, the first 10 years have been the happiest and the most amazing years of their lives.

It's a ...

From an Empty Nest to a Full Quiver

I was awakened out of a nice deep sleep at 5:30 this morning by a little voice calling "Mommy" from the other room. It turned out that both girls had had wet the bed so I set to work changing sheets and clothes and by the time I was able to lay back in bed I was wide awake. As I laid there, trying my hardest to go back to dreamland, it hit me how blessed I am to have those two little beauties in the other room, the sweet little boy that, as I was thinking about this, started to cry and then drifted back to sleep and the round belly that caused me to have to get up (yet again) and go potty so I didn't have to change my own sheets. I've told the story about how we came by the first two blessings, but I've been so busy and so tired that I haven't made time to stop and tell how we came about the other two. And since I'm already awake and it's on my mind, might as well get up and do it now!

We had always talked about adopting again once the girls were settled. We began talking more seriously about it late last year. In January, I turned in an application to our local adoption agency and then a few weeks later we felt, yet again, that the Lord was leading us back to DFCS (Human Resources, Division of Family and Children Services - foster care). This time we decided (mostly because I really wanted a newborn) that we would foster instead of foster-to-adopt like we did with the girls. By fostering instead of fostering-to-adopt we knew that we would be more likely to get an infant, but also that we would most likely not get to adopt the first baby that we were placed with. We were mentally preparing ourselves for this as well as preparing the girls, as best as we could.

March 8th we got the call we had been waiting almost two months for. They had a 2 month old, African American baby boy. I quickly started making calls and getting things together. Even though we had been planning this, we still didn't have some basic necessities. I went to pick him up at the DFCS office and he immediately took to me. "Uh oh.", I thought, "You cannot get attached to me, little guy, because this is only temporary!".  I brought him home, survived a week of sleepless nights before we finally got to meet with his caseworker. She informed us that it already looked like his case was going to go towards adoption. At this point we really felt like we could adopt him. She was thrilled to hear that we wanted to keep him if he went up for adoption and put our name in big letters on top of her notes. We were completely unaware of what challenges we were about to face.

As the second week of having Timothy went on I was getting more and more exhausted. I had never had a baby this young before, so I thought I was just tired from late night feedings and taking care of him and two very active girls. By the end of the week I was starting to think that maybe it could be something else. My period was now almost two weeks late. I still wasn't thinking that I was pregnant (I had long since given up on that notion), I just thought that maybe something was wrong. By Sunday evening, as Tripp was playing drums at church and I broke down under stress and exhaustion, my friend took all the kids from me and strongly suggested I take some time for myself and even more strongly suggested that I buy a pregnancy test. So I did. It was positive. I couldn't believe it. I showed Tripp when he got home and he DIDN'T believe it. He made me take another one. It was positive. The next day he called me from work and told me to take the last one in the box. It was positive. When he got home he took me to the drugstore to buy another box. They were both positive. We were in shock! After 8 long years were we FINALLY having a baby?

Why now? Here we had this little baby boy that needed us and we were having a baby. I was so tired and eventually felling so sick all the time that I could not imagine taking care of TWO babies plus a 5 year old and a very, very active 3 year old. Add to that the opposition we were getting from a few family members because of Timothy's race and we were just so overwhelmed that we didn't know what to do. During this time Tripp and I were stretched beyond what we thought we could handle. We were worn out physically, spiritually and emotionally.

As to not drag this story out too much, I'll give you a brief overview of the few months between then and where we are now...
God has graciously shown us our own sin and selfishness through this little boy. He has shown us how to give up our own desires for the needs of another, how to love those that are different than us, how to love those who oppose us, how to stand firm on what you believe in, how to persevere through difficult circumstances and much, much more. Timothy's case is still pending, but we already love him as our own. I can't imagine not having him as my son. I would go to the moon and back for him. I will be devastated if we lose him.

God is so good. Who would have thought 8 years ago when we started this journey of trying to have a family that we would be where we are now. Who would have thought that Tripp and I would have 4 children in 3 years time! Who would have thought that Tripp Freeman would actually entertain the thought of having 5 or 6 children? Not me!

One of our good friends encouraged me with a verse when we were in the most difficult time of our infertility struggle. Isaiah is speaking of the barren woman when he says in Isaiah 54:2 "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes." He may not have known at the time that this was prophetic as we have had to do this very thing this year! We have had to make room in our tiny house for all the children that the Lord has blessed us with! Another verse that the same friend encouraged us with as we were struggling over whether or not we were supposed to adopt Timothy is Psalm 127:3-5 "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children are a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate."

Thank you, Jesus, for our full quiver. Or, maybe it's not quite full, yet.  :)

Who has time for this stuff anyway?

So, I am ashamed that this is my first (real) post of 2012.  It's actually the first post in many, many months.  I have been so busy with BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), running Michelle to ballet and soccer, chasing Anna (who is running right towards the terrible 3's), getting ready to be a foster parent... whew!  No wonder I haven't had time to write!

I started this blog at first as sort of a way to journal; just to get my thoughts out of my head and send them out into the void.  Then, I realized that I have family all over the US (the world, actually) that wanted updates on our family and this would be a great way to share with them what was going on.  It turned out, instead, to be a way to sort of flesh out my spiritual growth.  I realized after writing a few months that fleshing out my spiritual growth for the world to see is not that easy.  I got kind of embarrassed.  Spiritual growth (from now on I will call it sanctification) means that you are constantly changing and that what you say today may seem so silly tomorrow.  I sat down one day and decided to write about all the things that God was teaching me and how much I had changed over the last 10 years or so.  Thankfully I accidentally hit the wrong key and somehow erased the entire thing right before the autosave.  I was frustrated and had to walk away from the computer and stew over it for a few days.  That's when I realized that some of the things that I was saying might alienate people that I loved, and not necessarily in a godly way.  It was a good thing that didn't get published!  After that I was kind of blog shy.  I love to write, but I just didn't want to anymore.  Then I got busy, like I mentioned  at the beginning.

So, like I said in my most recent "hey, I'm still here" post, I went to the Created for Care retreat and felt kind of ashamed that I hadn't been keeping up with my blog and felt like I needed to come home and update.  But... I came home in the middle of God doing something to challenge me.  I was so ready to write about how I was frustrated about this and frustrated about that and how dare people treat me like that, etc.  I was feeling pretty good about myself and how much I had grown and all the things I was "doing for the Lord".  Then comes Tuesday (my BSF Leadership day) and the new lesson.  We were now in 1 Corinthians.  Paul is calling out the Corinthians for their spiritual pride and God called me out on mine.  It hit me for the first time how I sounded.  "How dare people treat me like an outcast!"  "I'm doing just fine!  I don't need their pity!"  Wow!  I had no idea how bad I sounded.  I was embarrassed that I had actually said all this stuff out loud to my friend, Susan.  Ugh!  And He didn't stop there.  A week later I am having to humbly call a friend and apologize for acting like a fool.

Pride stinks.  Nobody likes to be around a prideful person.  But, I've been avoiding dealing with my pride issue for years!  I was beginning to think that maybe God was just going to let me slide on this one!  I really did not want to deal with it.  It's one of those soft spots that is just to sensitive to deal with and too hard to overcome.  But, here I am, right in the middle of sanctification, and God wants it all.  I think I forgot for a moment that sanctification never ends.  That there will always be something that needs to be purged out.  It sucks sometimes, but Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:14 "I am not writing this to shame you, but to warn you, as my dear children."  I am God's child and "the Lord Disciplines those He loves" (Proverbs 3:12 and Hebrews 12:6).  The verse that I have been holding onto for the last year is this... Philippians 1:6b "... he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  I am nowhere near done with my battle with pride, but I believe that God is more gracious to me than I am to myself.  I pray that I will begin to see the needs and concerns of other people more important than what I feel like I deserve.

Bueller...Bueller...

So, I realized when I went to Created for Care adoptive mom's retreat this weekend that I have not updated my blog in forever!  I don't even know if anyone really keeps up with this, but if you do, you have probably been wondering where I am!  There is definitely something on my mind from the weekend that I would like to write about.  I promise to make some time to do that soon!

The Trouble With Life

Today I just feel like writing about the sadness I have been feeling lately due to my infertility.


Now, I know what some of you are going to say... "But remember how blessed you are to have two beautiful and perfectly healthy little girls!".  This struggle of mine does not mean that I don't realize how blessed I am.  I would not trade my girls for even one chance to be pregnant.  I am thankful for how God ordained things in our lives.  But, I still feel a sense of loss.  I still feel like I am missing out on something wonderful.  I still have that dream that I have had since I was a little girl to feel a baby growing in my womb.  And I don't think it will ever go away.  You also have to remember that there are lots of women that suffer from Secondary Infertility.  They have one child and for some reason are not able to conceive again.  Contrary to what some believe, this kind of infertility is not any easier on a woman.  I would say this could be close to what I am going through.

I wrote this last week.  I go through periods like this where I just feel so sad that we can't seem to get pregnant.  This feeling for me comes and goes since we have gotten the girls.  It's not as constant as it was before we adopted, but it's still there at times.  I guess I didn't finish the post because, even though I'm pretty open and honest with my struggles, it still makes me feel very vulnerable to put all of my feelings out there for the world to see.  Especially since my feelings change like Michelle changes clothes!  But, I feel like, as hard as it is to be so vulnerable sometimes, maybe someone else is struggling and needs to know that they are not alone.

I don't know if I will ever NOT want to have a baby.  I'm afraid that this sorrow will hover over me my entire life.  It doesn't seem fair.  I wish God would just completely change my heart and make me not care if I got pregnant or not.  To not be so obsessed with babies, pregnancy, home births and all that stuff.  I wish it wasn't so hard to go to church and see a pregnant women every time I turn around.  Thankfully, I don't struggle as bad as some women do.  I guess it's because I am so obsessed with the whole pregnancy thing that in almost 7 years of infertility I have never felt like I couldn't rejoice with someone that gets pregnant and I have never avoided a baby shower.  I love celebrating new life.  But, I still wish it was me that was being congratulated and my belly that was being measured with a roll of toilet paper.

I will end with this...
I know that this world is fallen.  That bad things happen to good people and that we are not guaranteed to live healthy, wealthy and prosperous lives here on this earth.  If we were, then what would we have to look forward to?  Someone posted a quote ( I think it's a line from a song) on facebook and it has stuck with me ever since I saw it.  It said, "Sometimes my greatest disappointments and the hurting of this life are a remider of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy."  The trouble with life is that "in this life you will have trouble" (John 16:33).  Whether it's suffering for the cause of Christ, because of your faith or because of sickness, natural disaster, poverty, infertility... whatever.  Noone is above suffering of one kind or another.  I know that no matter how much I want to get pregnant, it may never happen and I may never be completely at peace with that.  And that's okay.  It's okay to be sad and to feel frustrated at times.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

To Adopt or Support?

This is the big question on my mind lately.  Even though Tripp and I have only just recently finalized the adoption of Michelle and Anna, we have been their parents for about a year-and-a-half.  I figured, like most people told me over and over, that we would get pregnant as soon as we adopted.  Which was fine with me since Anna was already 8 months old when they moved in with us.  But, it didn't happen.  I was suprised that this actually discouraged me.  I mean... I should just be grateful that God blessed us with these two beautiful little girls and not complain about not getting to be pregnant or not having a little boy!  So I gave it to Him.  I felt like the Lord was telling me that this was part of my ministry to my childless friends.  I could relate to them like most could not.  I had been blessed with children and yet I still understood and felt the pain that they were feeling.
Then something happened...
It started with the adoptive mom's retreat.  I joked before going about coming home convinced that we needed to adopt from Africa.  That almost happened!  I came home with this huge burden for children in Uganda and a desire to change our lifestyle and help this ministry (Sixty Feet) that helped imprisoned children in Uganda.  I didn't feel like we were supposed to adopt from Uganda, or anywhere at all, really.  But, I was excited about encouraging other people to adopt and helping those that had already decided to do so.  I still had a strong desire to get pregnant and even felt like the Lord told me to ask Him for this, and I did.  I began praying that I would get pregnant.  Tripp even started talking about wanting a boy.  Michelle was asking when she was going to get a baby brother.  So, we all kind of started praying for a baby.  Not furvently, but just sort of like "Oh and by the way, Lord, can we have a baby?".  This went on for maybe 2 months.  Then I started to think that maybe two was enough.  I realized how blessed we have been and how much more we could do for Michelle and Anna if it were just the two of them.  I started to feel content.  I actually stopped wanting to get pregnant.  Now, I have been trying to get pregnant for a loooong time.  So I know all the tricks that your mind can play and how subconsiously you start to think that maybe if I stop wanting it so badly that will be what God wanted me to do and He will finally let me get pregnant, or my body will relax and I will finally be able to get pregnant.  I wondered if that's all it was.  But, it didn't really feel like that.  It felt more like complete contentment.  I didn't know how long it would last, if it was temporary relief or if this was really a change of heart, but it felt good.
Then the cupcake sale...
Michelle wanted to see pictures of the kids in Uganda that we were helping so we went to their website (www.sixtyfeet.org) and started watching the videos.  This was the first time I sat down to watch these videos since seeing the movie at the adoptive mom's retreat.  My heart began to stir and I started to think about adoption.  At first I was thinking international adoption, probably Uganda.  Then I started seeing all of these adoption placement videos on Facebook with couples adopting domesticly and I started thinking about how much I would love to adopt a newborn.  The passion that I had for the whole  pregnancy experience of having a home birth and breastfeeding my child was changing.  Instead, I was falling in love with adoption.  I kept all of this to myself because, even though Tripp wouldn't mind if we got pregnant or if someone just randomly asked us to adopt a baby, I knew that he didn't want to go looking for another kid!  I just began to pray about what was in my heart.  But then, wonder of all wonders, Tripp actually brings up the subject of possibly fostering or adopting!  Maybe this was God!
So, here we are.  We are interested in adopting again.  Is this God or is this us?  The idea for Tripp was that we get too caught up in being compfortable and having stuff that we want and maybe it's time to let go of some of that.  That's a great thing, but are we supposed to adopt?  I have this passionate love for adoption, but is it for us to do or for us to support others on their adoption journey?  I still feel somewhat content with having only my two girls, but at the same time I would love to have a new baby.
I don't really have any revelation on this.  I'm afraid this blog post is going to end unanswered.
I will say this... God's word is clear about how He wants us to set the oppressed free, feed the hungry (Isaiah 58:6-7) and to care for the widows and the orphans (JAMES 1:27)...

I wrote this is April.  I don't know why I never published it.  Shortly after I wrote this we actually started talking about adopting from India.  I read this article about how, even with enouragement and assistance from the government for people who have girls, there is still a huge problem of people prefering to have boys and, therefore, abandoning or aborting girl babies.  So, Tripp and I started talking about what we should do... do we pursue India?... do we pursue adopting a newborn domestically?... or do we just try to support others who feel called to adopt?  Tripp decided that we should work on getting our house in order (we have a remodeling project that we need to finish to make room for another child) and wait one year before we start pursuing another adoption.  So that's where we have been for the last few months.  The next post (that I also started but never completed) will tell you where I am right now with the whole thing.   So, I guess I should say...

To be continued...

About The Cupcake Kids Cupcake Sale

Since the adoption retreat I went to in February, the country of Uganda has been on my heart.  We were introduced to a ministry called 60 Feet.  You can read about their story at www.sixtyfeet.org, but basically they are trying to provide for the needs of imprisoned children... you heard me right... I said children in prison.  They made a movie about it and showed it at the retreat.  It was heartbreaking to watch what these children have to endure.  The movie really gave you a feel for the hearts of the people at 60 Feet and made me want to support them just because they seemed so humble and willing to go wherever God lead them.  I felt such an urge to do something... to get involved somehow.

Now, I'm not one to get all fired up about about foreign missions.  I may have been as a teenager, but as an adult I always figured there were enough people in my own back yard that needed Jesus just as much.  But, my heart has been completely broken for these children.  I don't know why now and why Uganda specifically.  It could be that being a mom has softened my heart or adopting children has made me more sensitive to orphans and abandoned children. (I know both of those ARE true)  Anyway, I can't watch a 60 Feet video or read a blog without balling my eyes out!  Having adopted my own children from foster care, I know a little bit about what orphaned and abandoned children go through in this country and it is no where near what these children in Uganda face every day.  Praise God for Social Justice in America! (not that it doesn't have it's problems - that would be a whole 'nother post!)  And praise God for 60 Feet and other ministries like them stepping up to do God's work in places like Uganda!

The Cupcake Kids (www.thecupcakekids.org) was started when a couple of kids asked their parents if they could sell cupcakes and give all the money to the kids in Africa. It was such a huge success that others wanted to do it as well and next thing they knew they had cupcake sales going on all over the US.  The other moms that I went on the retreat with felt a burden as well so we all decided to host a cupcake sale in Macon.

I encourage you to click on the links I provided and see for yourself what this is all about and why we felt the need to do this.  I hope your heart is broken for God's children as mine has been.  If not for more than  to see how God is moving hearts to act on behalf of those who are suffering.

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your feed with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to cloth him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"  Isaiah 58:6-7

"If you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday."  Isaiah 58:10

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world."  James 1:27

Our cupcake sale here in Macon is going to take place two days in a row.  This Saturday, April 16 at Bearstock on Mercer University campus from 12pm to ? (until we drop, I guess) and 10am Sunday April 17 at New City Church Downtown, 533 Cherry Street, Macon, GA.

Bible Study Fellowship

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.  Isaiah 40:1  I had to remind myself recently that God did not say, "Be comfortable, be comfortable my people...".

I went on a leadership retreat for this Bible study that I am in called Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) last weekend.  I started going to BSF last January, right after the girls moved in with us.  Tripp's grandmother had been trying to get me to go since we moved to Macon six years ago.  I went to an Intro-Class, but that's as far as I got.  All I had heard about BSF was how strict and structured they were and if you missed one class you were out!  Well, being the uncommitted free spirit that I am, I thought, "That is definitely not for me!".  But, when the girls moved in and I was home with them every day ALL DAY LONG, I thought, "Maybe I'll just give it a try".  They were studying John at the time and I absolutely LOVED it!  I loved it enough that I decided to come back the next year to study Isaiah.  To my surprise, the teaching leader called me a few months before Isaiah started to tell me that someone had recommended me for leadership.  I was flattered and terrified at the same time.  Tripp and I prayed about it and both felt like I should do it, so I accepted.  Did you ever think about when the Lord came to Gideon while he was hiding from the Midianites and called him a "Mighty Warrior" that Gideon didn't argue with that title right away?  He argued the fact that he said "the Lord is with you" but not the title he was given.  It wasn't until the Lord told him what was required of him that he began to tell Him how he was the least of his family and his family was the smallest.  That was my reaction exactly when I started leadership last fall.  At first I was like, "Mighty Warrior (aka Leader)... sure... I can see that about myself.", which quickly turned into (once I realized what God was really asking me to do), "Wait a minute, Lord... I'm no leader!  This is way too hard.  I'm a follower, not a leader.  Who am I to shepherd anyone?" I was so far out of my comfort zone that it brought me to tears at times.  God is faithful, though, He gave me the encouragement that I needed and began to show me that He was stretching me for His glory.  But, just like Gideon, sometimes I need the Lord to walk through it with me and give me a few signs.  I started thinking that I was doing a terrible job and that, even if I was asked back next year, I couldn't do it.  It was too hard.  And by "hard" I don't mean that BSF is hard or studying God's word is hard.  Being pushed out of my comfort zone is hard!  The things that I thought would get easier as the year went on didn't.  I still felt like I was out of my comfort zone in so many ways and it was making me tired.  The Created for Care retreat that I went on the weekend before the BSF one was so awesome.  I wrote on my last blog post about how the Lord set me free from the bondage I had been living under and began to show me that He wanted to free me from myself.  That, of course, is a process that we all have to go through in life.  If we, as Christians, continue to live for ourselves after we give our lives to Christ, then we miss the reason we are still here and not immediately taken up to heaven.  We are called to live our lives as an offering to Him.  To work out our salvation with fear and trembling.  To be His witnesses.

So, I went on this BSF retreat encouraged from the last retreat, but still tired and thinking that I wasn't sure I could do this again next year.  Wouldn't you know that God threw me out of my comfort zone again!  I was fairly comfortable going on this retreat with the other leaders that I was just barely getting to know, but then I found out when I got there that I was sitting in a different dining room than most of the other ladies from my group!  My friend and I had also signed up to be ushers, so a lot of the weekend I was sitting with people I didn't know.  (if you read my last blog post then you know the same thing happened at the last retreat)  God used that to show me that no matter where I am I am His, He is with me and will give me the strength I need to do what He is calling me to.  I was encouraged by the people I met from other classes and the speakers that talked about how they came to BSF feeling very similar to the way I did.  These people were doing what God had called them to do even when it wasn't comfortable or easy.  Some of them have even given up the comforts of life in our country to start BSF classes in other countries.  That was convicting.  Here I am... a stay at home mom with, not 10, but 2 children and yet I complain that I don't have enough time or that I am too stressed and I need rest.  I don't know where this idea that God doesn't want us to be too stressed or won't call us to give until it hurts came from.  It definitely didn't come from His Word!  I realized that I was complaining because I was uncomfortable, but I really have never had to give of myself to the point that it hurt.  If something gets too hard I quit.  This is a very sobering realization!  Looking back at my life I can see that I either avoided things because they seemed too hard or I quit when something got too hard.  No wonder I feel like I am going from one hardship to another.  God is still having to teach me how to persevere.  All my life I have been looking forward to being comfortable and happy, but I don't want to work hard for that peace.  I want God to just give it to me.  I wanted to make enough money to have a nice home, car, to have nice clothes and nice things for my kids but college was too hard so I quit.  I wanted to sing, write music and play guitar but it was too hard to learn how to do those things so I never have.  I wanted God to supernaturally give those abilities to me!  I talk a lot about suffering because of my struggle with my parents' divorce and my battle with infertility and how I have seen God's purpose in it or God using a time of suffering for His good purpose.  But, this is the first time I have stopped to think about daily laying down my life (literally or my desires and needs) for the sake of the gospel.  I'm not sure what this means for me besides just persevering through this time that God is stretching me and molding me into His image and not growing weary because I had to get ready for the next day and didn't get to veg out in front of the TV.  I feel like God is calling us as a family to change the way we live, spend money and what we pursue.  I'm a little nervous that He might be calling us a little more out of our comfort zone than we think we can bear.  But, I will trust in the Lord and lean on the promises that He gives through His word.  

Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. 

and, of course, I have to throw in a few verses from Isaiah...

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary, and increases power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on with wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

p.s. If you are interested in an awesome Bible study you should check out BSF!  www.bsfinternational.org

also, if you want to read about a woman that has truly given up everything for the sake of the gospel check out this blog www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

Created for Care Retreat

A few months ago a friend of mine sent a message on facebook about this adoptive mom's retreat that she was going to in February to those of us from church that have adopted children, foster children or are in the process of adopting.  I thought it would be fun and, even though I was already signed up to go on another retreat the weekend after that one, I decided to go.  I had no expectations.  I didn't really even think about it much and actually, I didn't even know where we were going!  So, when we got there on Friday I was just kind of along for the ride.  At first I thought I was going to be the odd-man-out because there was A LOT of talk about international adoptions and probably 75% of the women there had children adopted internationally or were in the process of adopting internationally.  I wouldn't really call myself a shy person, but it does take me a little bit of time to warm up in new situations and new people.  On top of feeling kind of left out for not having adopted internationally and being overwhelmed with a new place with new people, they split all of us (my friends from church that I was there with) up and put us at different tables according to what country we had adopted from for the first session that night.  I was TOTALLY out of my comfort zone and on the verge of tears at times.  So much for a relaxing weekend!  But, that night while the first speaker was telling her story of how she came to adopt 8 children from Russia the Lord spoke to me.  She was telling about when her son died and the places of her heart that died along with him and how the Lord healed her and brought her back to life.  As she was speaking I felt the Lord say, "I am going to do the same for you, Christy."  My heart still leaps when I think about it!  I had been praying and praying for God to heal my heart.  When my parents divorced almost 8 years ago I felt like a part of me died with the death of that marriage.  I have been told to "get over it", "it will just take time", "you should be happy that your parents are happy" among other good and bad advice.  I've been to counseling and I've had wonderful people in my life to help me walk through it.  I have come a long way over the years, but I still felt like there was this wall between me and God that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not tear down.  I knew I heard the Lord speak to me and so I expected something to happen right then... it didn't.  I kind of felt bad that I was expecting something so self-focused.  Here I was in a place where people were seeking healing for their adopted children and I wanted it for myself!  But, I knew what the Lord had told me and I felt like my children needed me to be free as much as I did.  I went to bed that night exhausted from the long day, but I couldn't sleep.  I was too excited and expectant!  The next day was a long day full of sessions on parenting adopted children.  I was so incredibly blessed by all of the sessions.  I learned so much about how to handle things like, talking to the girls about their adoption, talking to other people about the girls' adoption story and just basic how to be a godly mom.  It was really insightful.  At the same time, I was so nervous and excited about what God was going to do and when He was going to do it!  The last part of the day was dinner and our last main session of the day.  At the end we had a time of worship and all of the sudden there He was.  In an instant my heart broke and the waterworks came.  I felt like I was supposed to ask someone to pray for me, but being the independent woman that I am I couldn't.  So I prayed, "Lord, you know I'm not going to ask someone so will you please send someone to pray for me?".  As I sat down, my roommate, who was on her knees praying, said, "So do you want to pray?".  As I got down on my knees and she started to pray over me my heart started to melt.  God had shown her what to pray because she prayed EXACTLY what I needed in that moment.  As she prayed the bondage that I had been under was falling off.  The chains were broken and the wall was coming down.  I have never felt God's presence so strong or ever felt such freedom in my life that I can remember.  It was amazing.  I am free! I am free! I am free!  I know that this is just the beginning and I have a long way to go, but praise be to God I have never felt so free!  I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time.  He set me free from more than just the pain and bitterness from divorce, and He began to set me free from myself!  From the fear of rejection that I have lived with my entire life and the fear of being a failure.  What an awesome God we serve!  He took the little that I had and performed a miracle!  He began a good work in me and I know that He will complete it! (Philippians 1:6)

How we became a family of 4: A Short Story Part 2

Letting go and trusting God is a lot easier said than done.  For a few months after we decided not to do the really expensive fertility treatment I just thought that God would heal me and I would get pregnant naturally.  When that didn't happen right away I decided to take matters into my own hands again and ask my OB/GYN for Clomid.  It's the cheapest fertility drug and the easiest to take.  It didn't work and it made me a little crazy so I quit after just a few months.  Okay, NOW I had done everything I could physically do.  I was starting to figure out what I should have known all along... this baby thing really was completely out of my control.

Tripp had worked really hard all summer long so I decided to surprise him and take him to the beach for the weekend.  I would like to say that during this time we had this great spiritual revelation and we knew God was calling us to adopt, but it was more like we just started talking about it and by the time we were driving home we decided that this was what we should do.  I really admire people who adopt because they have a heart for adoption and not just because they have no other options.  We have several friends that just have a passion for adoption.  We aren't that selfless.  Yes, we had always talked about adopting after we had biological children but more than likely it would have been just talk.  Adopting is not easy and raising children isn't either!  We could have easily just talked about it forever and not ever actually done anything.  God has definitely given us a heart for adoption now and we would gladly adopt another child if God calls us to do that, but it took some dying to our own desires before we were willing to have children this way.  Looking back I can see how God had been gently nudging us in this direction all along.  I remember people bringing it up in the past and me wanting to bite their heads off because I didn't want to talk about it.  I wasn't ready to give up on what I thought I wanted.  Now my heart was open to however the Lord wanted to use us.  I was finally broken and humbled before Him... a willing clump of clay to be molded into what He had already predestined me to be.  I started thinking about how easy it had always been to love other people's children.  God gave me a tender heart that loves so easily and that's hard sometimes, but maybe this was the reason He created me this way.

We didn't really rush into anything but kind of just chewed on it for a few weeks and talked to a few close friends about it. We tried to make sure this was really something God was leading us into and not just something we decided to do because we were tired of waiting on Him.  We had a contact name for someone at a local Christian adoption agency so I made an appointment to go and talk to her.  We had been doing some research on different agencies and this one was the most recommended and they were supposed to be the cheapest because they have so much community support.  Cheapest or not, adoption is not cheap with any agency.  I was so discouraged after talking with her and looking at the cost of it all.  I thought, "Now we are back to the reason we didn't want to do the fertility drugs.  Money!  We don't have it.  There is no way we can do this.  It's not fair that only rich people get to have babies!".  Okay... so maybe I was being a little dramatic!  The wait was also discouraging to me.  I had waited long enough already!  I wanted my baby and I wanted it now!  There were options, of course, as far as the money was concerned.  The classes didn't start for a few months so we had time to start saving some money, we could do fundraisers or ask family to help.  Plus, it was already going to be a little cheaper for us because we weren't limited to a healthy, white baby.  We were willing to take any race or baby with minor special needs.  And if this is what God had called us to wouldn't He provide?  It was still so hard for me to imagine it happening.  I was really discouraged.

The option of adopting from DFCS (Division of Family and Children Services - Foster Care) was brought up several times.  My boss mentioned it before we were even talking about adoption, my friend was encouraging me in that direction because her mom had just adopted from DFCS and then Tripp's grandparents started talking to their neighbor who worked for DFCS and were convinced this was the way we should go.  We just weren't sure about it.  It seemed like it was mainly just fostering and no guarantee you would get to keep the baby and that definitely wasn't for us.  And yet other people were telling us you definitely could adopt a newborn and it was all free.  At that point though, we were still determined to go through the Christian adoption agency... somehow.  We didn't know how we were going to pay for it all, but we were going to try it.  We turned in our application, started saving our money and were just waiting until the adoption classes started in February 2009.  But by January, we started to think more about adopting from DFCS.  I don't know if it was because so many people were constantly bringing it up or if God just kept bringing it to our minds, but we were starting to feel like He was leading us in that direction.  We called just in time to get signed up for their class starting at the end of the month.

The first day of class I left in tears.  They tried to make it very clear that they were not an adoption agency and that we should not expect to bring home a newborn and that's really all I wanted.  Despite the discouragement I was feeling, we were still determined to give it a try.  We persevered through the classes and when it was time to fill out our application we decided we would foster-to-adopt up to two children up to the age of two.  We were told that they would just put our profile aside and not even consider us if we were just limited to a baby or that we could be waiting for years.  It seemed like it was taking forever to find out if we were approved.  I was under the impression that classes would end and we would get a call two weeks later.  Our friends threw us an adoption shower a few weeks after we completed our classes and a few people gave us some baby furniture so we had our nursery ready and all we needed was that baby!  I was so impatient but I'm not a pushy person so we just waited and waited and waited for someone to tell us something.  We didn't even know if we had been approved.  Finally I got up the nerve to call and was told that it takes at least three months to complete your profile and get the paperwork sent to Atlanta for approval.  Three months!  Well, it was more like five months.  At that point we were ready to give up on DFCS and so I called to see if we could get a copy of our home study.  That would save us about $1200 with the adoption agency we were originally thinking about using.  When she called me back I was afraid she was going to give me a hard time about getting a copy of our home study, but instead she gave us good news!  We were approved and they were sharing our profile with another county.  That sounded promising!  She said they would call us in a few days to come in and meet our case worker.  But when they called me back one or two days later it was even better than we thought!  She said, "Did she tell you why we gave your profile to the other county?"  No she didn't.  "Well they would like to interview you guys for possibly adopting a two year old and a 5 month old.  Would you guys be interested?"  Would we ever!

It was a whole week before our meeting with the adoption supervisor from the other county.  It felt like the longest week ever!  When the day of our meeting came we were nervous wrecks.  Neither one of us could eat.  I remember that meeting so clearly.  As soon as the lady we were supposed to meet walked in the door she said to me, "Oh my goodness!  The older one looks just like you!".  Ten points for us!  Everyone was friendly and they quickly put us at ease asking us about our family and telling us about the girls.  They didn't have a picture of Michelle, but they showed us a picture of Anna.  She was beautiful!  Tripp told me when we went to dinner later that as soon as he saw Anna's picture he knew that was our baby.  It was not at all like Tripp to say something like that.  He is way too practical and pessimistic!  Instead, I was the one being cautious.  I was hopeful, but I had been disappointed so many times over the last 5 years and I was trying to guard my heart.  We were set to go to Texas two days after our meeting but we told them we would cancel and stay if we needed to.  They said it would be at least a week before they made a decision so we should go and have fun.  Have fun?  How could we possibly relax until we knew for sure if we were going to be parents or not?  The next day I got a call from the supervisor in our county.  This made me really nervous since we weren't supposed to hear anything for at least a week.  I was so afraid to call her back.  She sounded like it was urgent and wanted me to call her on her cell phone, which made me even more nervous.  I was at work and we were all just about to leave for the day when I checked my messages on my cell phone.  I told everyone who had called and they all stopped, so eager to hear what she had to say.  Dialing her number was like taking a pregnancy test.  It was the exact same feeling that I got every time I took one.  I was so nervous, my heart was racing, my hands were clammy and shaking and I was so afraid of what the answer would be.  She started saying something about the decision process and that she didn't want us to leave for our vacation without knowing anything, but all I wanted to hear was the real reason she called!  Were we getting our answer?  Was I going to be disappointed, yet again?  When I heard her say, "They definitely want you guys to be the adoptive parents of these girls.", I lost it!  I just started bawling!  She wanted to know if I was okay!  I could barely get a "yes, I'm okay" out through my sobs.  All of my friends at work were screaming, jumping up and down, hugging me and crying tears of joy.  I immediately called Tripp to tell him the good news.  I was still sobbing, of course, and he said, "I knew it!  I just knew this was it!".  Again, amazing that he wasn't freaking out about the fact that he was about to be the father of two girls!  It was so exciting to have this great news before we went on vacation so that we could share it with my Texas friends and family face to face!

We got to meet the girls a few weeks after we got back from Texas.  I couldn't believe how tiny Anna was and I was so nervous that Michelle wouldn't take to us because she was so attached to her foster parents.  They wanted us to have a long transition process for Michelle's sake, mainly, since she was so attached to her foster parents and Anna's foster brother was very attached to her as well.  The county that the girls lived in is only about 30 minutes from us so that made it easy for us to visit them a lot during the week and after doing that for a few weeks they got to come stay weekends with us, too.  It was also a difficult time.  The girls were still visiting with their birth parents for a few hours every two weeks and we were worried that visiting with two sets of parents might be confusing Michelle.  Not to mention that her birth parents and case workers were calling both girls by a different name than we were!  We were physically exhausted from working and then driving back and forth to see the girls and emotionally exhausted because we were getting attached to them and still didn't know if we were going to get to keep them or not.  It was two months before the parents' rights were finally terminated and the girls were able to move in with us.  I think it was good timing because by that time we were all bonding.  Anna was almost 8 months and Michelle was 2 1/2.  Neither one of them really had a hard time with the move.  Anna struggled a little that first week, but Michelle didn't blink an eye!  It was like we had always been their parents.  I think Tripp and I took more time to adjust than the girls did!

It's been a little over a year now and as of November 1, 2010 Michelle and Anna are officially ours.  It's a wonderful feeling!  Six years ago we never would have imagined ourselves where we are today.  God has blessed us above and beyond what we asked for.  Even to the point that I get to stay home with them!  I hoped and prayed for that but never thought it would have been possible.  I'm so thankful that we were able to provide these girls with a loving home and give them opportunities they may have never had like preschool and ballet.  But most of all that in our home they will hear of the love and grace of Jesus Christ!

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  My heart was sick because the one thing I had hoped for my whole life was out of my reach, but now my longing has been fulfilled!  Jeremiah 31:13 says, "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."  He gave me comfort and joy even through my sorrow!  He taught me how to rejoice during the trials because the testing of my faith "produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3,4.  He has also shown me that Christians suffer just like the rest of the world does.  We are not exempt!  But when we suffer, not if but when, He will comfort us.  2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."  He comforts us so that we can comfort others.  He gives us what we need to show love to one another.  He gives us what we need to endure the trials and sufferings so that we can in turn share that with someone else.  What an amazing God we serve!  As hard as this journey has been... and I do still have the desire to have a child from my womb... I would not trade any of it for things to have gone my way.  God's way was truly the best way.  I can't imagine not having Michelle and Anna and I can't imagine not having this hope inside of me to pass on to someone else who might be suffering.  My dream of becoming a mother has been given to me as well as my dream of serving Him with my life.  And if I never experience the joy of having a child grow inside of me I will still rejoice.  In my lifetime I will face many trials, but I know that when I come out on the other side of them I will have a testimony to share.  This is my testimony.  I share it, not just to be a nice story to read with a happy ending, but to share the hope that is inside of me.